On to page 3!
January 20, 2013
George F. Will : The phrase "domestic cat" is an oxymoron.
Breaking News From San Mateo: Hadajob ruined the staff air mattress and Southern Belle will have to ask her mechanic friend to fix it. Meanwhile the staff has two layers of foam to sleep on and another mattress is on order.
Moving furniture at Cain't Bee's was difficult but we succeeded in doing so without disturbing Cain't Bee. Larditude was very helpful with no tude.
Cain't Bee enjoyed looking at all the laundry quarters-about $500 worth, and Myrtle said that doesn't look like very much! Southern Belle and Jemima will roll them today.
Southern Belle got the cable for the DVD player and the sound is fantastic-I had to turn it down to 20.
After listening to Concert For Bangladesh while doing chores, I watched the manly 49ers Championship Game-Chris and Linda packed a cooler of beer and went to watch the game with friends. Niners will be in the SuperBowl!!!
Tyrex is working two days a week, yet still a key part of the staff. Tiny J was apprehensive on her first day, so Southern Belle told her about the importance of standing up to Cain't Bee and being assertive. She is tiny yet quite intelligent.
Tonight we shall have veggies cooked on the campfire and guacamole with excellent chips that are baked rather than drenched in greezy lard. We found examples of our apartment layout in a hoity toity furniture magazine and are awaiting the delivery of the leather recliner to make the final touch of the decor.
Fred and Barney are racking up the bills with questionable accomplishments, as Southern Belle does the difficult tasks and they are not exactly deserving of $2000 per month plus. However, at least they have Cain't Bee's interests as a priority and Slow Hand didn't get any of Cain't Bee's assets from the estate. Slow Hand will celebrate his 65th birthday at the Soup Kitchen and Southern Belle and the ladies will send him a card to "celebrate" his bash.
Mrs. Slow Turd sort of apologized to Southern Belle and realizes that she must stay civil if she intends to stay in touch with Southern Belle. We think that the email to Slow Hand from Dale Evans will straighten out the animosity.
January 19, 2012
Stephen Baker: Most beds sleep up to six cats. Ten cats without the owner.
Southern Belle met with Tiny Blind Joe the accountant today and is well prepared to help with Cain't Bee's and Myrtle's taxes.
Cain't Bee slapped Tyrex and was scolded and SHE APOLOGIZED! The PT came today and when Tyrex opened the door, Cain't Bee started swearing and the PT said he wouldn't come back if she continues to swear.
Cain't Bee's new, main caregiver is Tiny J, a Filipina who is quite intelligent as well as small.
Mrs. Slow Turd upset Southern Belle with a nasty text that wasn't even necessary, saying she was very upset over the firing of Hadajob "without notice." She and Slow Hand felt the need to be informed of any changes-Well, Mrs. Slow Turd has been in constant touch with her girlfriend Hadajob, including on the day she was fired. Dale Evans had sent Slow Hand an email he probably didn't read. Mrs. Slow Turd responded to Southern Belle's text 28 hours late. Now Mrs. Slow Turd needs someone to dump on and Southern Belle is the easy target.
SO, Southern Belle sent Mrs. Slow Turd an aggressive text outlining how busy she is and how uninvolved she is with staff problems. Dale Evans is sending Slow Hand an email outlining the events surrounding Hadajob's firing.
The funny thing is that Slow Hand is in charge, however out of touch and unable to communicate when necessary, e.g. Mrs. Slow Turd has to communicate when he is sick, on down time or pouting. The real issue is that Mrs. Slow Turd is simply waiting for Cain't Bee to die and has poor judgement in trusting Hadajob instead of Southern Belle and the agency.
January 18, 2012
Jules Reynard: The ideal of calm exists in a sitting cat.
The firing of Hadajob went well for Cain't Bee, which is the main thing. Hadajob remarks: That little shit disturber Southern Belle ratted me out for nothing, I can't believe it! She works for free!!! I was going to quit next week anyway. What about my cat in the yard? I don't know Lotitude's boyfriend. Mrs. Slow Turd said I was doing a great job and that she would speak up for me. I only got drunk and burned the oven up once while cooking biff. You'll never find anyone that can do as good a job for Cain't Bee as me. Bananas warned me about you people. I only made fun of Jemima because Cain't Bee wanted me to. I want the biff, wine and Tillamook butter from the refrigerator! AND the air mattress was a gift from Slow Hand to me! It wasn't my fault that Cain't Bee fell and broke her foot-she did it on purpose to get sympathy! I have a back injury from working here and you will be hearing from my lawyer, Do We Cheatem and How!
Slow Hand and Mrs. Slow Turd were left totally out of the loop, partially because Slow Hand doesn't read or understand his emails. Slow Hand was angry and sick yesterday. It's a miracle that they didn't foul up the works and demand to let Hadajob stay, however the agency has absolute authority to fire someone for insubordination.
Southern Belle has been chosen to have our apartment profiled in House Beautiful for creative use of space in a small place. The leather recliner will be delivered in about a week! Southern Belle is on a winning streak.
This weekend we will do the laundry quarters pick-up and have a quick lunch.
Southern Belle's friend is coming over today and we will have a beautiful apartment to show her.
January 17, 2013
Barbara Webster: One reason we admire cats is for their proficiency in one-upmanship (lke Southern Belle!). They always seem to come out on top, no matter what they are doing, or pretend they do.
BREAKING NEWS: Hadajob will be fired today by Dale Evans and Magilla from the office will help her immediately remove her rodent scraps without disturbing the cats. Southern Belle is quite concerned about the effect of the change on Cain't Bee and the cats. I feel the change will be so swift that Hadajob will not create any outburts, pout to Dale or Mrs. Slow Turd and will realize it's over.
Last night at about 9pm, Southern Belle tried to talk me into watching Days, then fell asleep. Five minutes later she was moving beds, boxes, refrigerators, dressers and tables, weighing twice her weight and making me dizzy. I had to drink a beer and a glass of wine to calm down at midnight when the carnage was complete. We now have a very nice living room, with a dining room table and chairs and the carpet will be lily fresh soon, as the steam cleaner arrives today. Two new chairs arrived for the patio. A beautiful leather recliner will be delivered to Southern Belle in a week or so. Southern Belle now has a headboard for her bed. The store room is worthy of a hoarders show.
January 16, 2013
Tay Hohoff: There are few things in life more heartwarming than to be welcomed by a cat.
Court Jester's big, really bad story is that he dreamed that he had sex with a reptilian alien. Now he feels covered by reptile scales, cold all the time, the need to take showers all the time, and that people wouldn't understand him if he explained the dream. That's why he had so much trouble talking to Southern Belle and me the other night. He now feels very different from other people yet he enjoyed the dream.
Cain't Bee is seeing the doctor about her cough today. Yesterday, while exercising she got mad and hit the instructor with a karate chop and said see how you like it-I'm in pain damnit!
Slow Hand thinks everyone is incompetent and avoiding him so he flew all the way to California to measure the damaged fence in the country. He got a flat on the way back to Cain't Bee's and had a hissy fit.
Hadajob got mad at Southern Belle for having Dale Evans change her mailing address, so she changed Southern Belle's mailing address.
Southern Belle had a late night girl talk with Chipotle and Chipotle feels much better now.
Hadajob and Larditude got a side of biff from Safeway and started to cook a feast, after having ten slices of toast with Tillamook butter. They turned the oven on broil and forgot about it until it smoked up the whole house. The Fire Department evacuated the house, including the cats, for two hours while they put out the oven on fire. Everyone had to sit on the lawn while they worked. Now Cain't Bee needs a new oven and Garcia to clean up the smoke damage. Hadajob and Larditude went back to Safeway to get more biff AND wine. They will have to use the microwave for now.
January 15, 2013
Warren Eckstein: In the beginning, God created man, but seeing him so feeble, He gave him the cat.
Breaking News: In a surprise raid on the Cain't Bee Compound, Lt. Gerard captured Hadajob and returned her to the State Mental Hospital For The Criminally Insane. She murdered one of her clients while drunk, with an axe. This is why she was homeless when she was hired-she was an escapee. Lt. Gerard has been working for months to capture her as she was using a false name and Social Security number. The cop at the corner near Cain't Bee's house spotted her one day and alerted Lt. Gerard. It turns out that Larditude is Hadajob's daughter and she was arrested for harboring a criminal! Carolina and Dale Evans were shocked. Mrs. Slow Turd doesn't believe it. Slow Hand got an email from the agency but didn't read it.
Cain't Bee bought a stairmaster exercise machine that can be set at a very slow speed, while she moves her feet up and down and hangs on to the arms of the machine. She'll be walking in the backyard in no time!
Today we will find out if the ladies at the salon and spa will decide to do Cain't Bee and Myrtle's hair.
Slow Hand has fired Fred Flinstone and Barney Rubble, and hired a new attorney to get a conservatorship of Cain't Bee, because she didn't transfer any assets from probate to him. Hell or High Water, he intends to start his own LLPCDROM and be the CFO.
Chipotle changed her mind about moving AGAIN, and invited Southern Belle for a sleep-over to share girl talk. Spooky!
Bananas called Cain't Bee and said it was wrong for her to be fired and that she doesn't have a job. She heard about what happened to Hadajob and Larditude and begged Cain't Bee to hire her under the table. Cain't Bee said she could work 5 days a week and that she missed her! She said Sleaza can work part-time when she's not working at Google.
January 14, 2013
William Lyon Phelps: A cat pours his body on the floor like water. It is restful just to see him.
Southern Belle is off to see the newly improved Cain't Bee house. She has been thinking about reducing Pied Piper's wage, however considering all the expenses, Twin Peaks Coyote Feeding is not really a priority and I think Pied Piper should be cut off except on an as needed basis. It is long over due to provide for the remaining cats that the coyotes didn't et and shut down the feeding of 100's of animals in Max's memory. Wages and food cost approximately $25,000 per year. This money would allow Slow Hand and Mrs. Turd to live in the country if they ever wake up.
Cain't Bee is excited about a new hairdresser, hopefully the one from the fancy salon down the street. Last week, Tyrex started exercising Cain't Bee. Yesterday, Larditude tried but when Cain't Bee was told to do butt exercises she said she was being tortured and had to go to the bathroom.
Southern Belle and I will do the laundry quarters this weekend and Jemima will do the Cain't Bee grocery shopping.
Cain't Bee trained the parrot to say Get off the phone Lard Ass! The monkey jumps up and down and claps when he hears the parrot talk.
January 13, 2013
Colette: There are no ordinary cats.
Southern Belle went shopping with Jemima and also got a new blanky for California and 1800 cans of turkey and innards. Lartitude was very busy for a change and chilly towards Southern Belle. We think that Hadajob is almost history and that Larditude will be next if she doesn't straighten up.
Court Jester came by last night at about 9pm and it should have been videotaped. He participated in party favors and we had a gay ole time. He told us about his awesome huge, reasonable apartment and yard. We figure he was a little stressed out from the move and felt safe to ramble on with us. His incredible "story" had a beginning, no details, instructions that we had to listen to another story first to understand the "very important" story, but he didn't finish that story either. Southern Belle determined the "story" was BS, early on, and kept interrupting. Court Jester said Southern Belle only talks and doesn't listen. Talk about he pot calling the kettle black! He suggested that Pool Boy was initimidated by Southern Belle and me, and dis-invited us to HRW's Thanksgiving Event.
Court Jester reminds me of the movie My Dinner With Andre-a wonderful diatribe of never ending interesting events discussed at a dinner.
I think Court Jester gets a healthy allowance from his family that makes it possible to be carefree, travel, constantly move from one town to the next and rarely keeping a job for any length of time. Still, he admits to being mental and we think he still uses.
Perhaps he is fortunate to be able to avoid any job he doesn't like and shop, travel and pontificate with his many acquaintances.
January 12, 2013
Sir Harry Swanson: You can't own a cat. The best you can do is be partners.
Bombshell hits Days Super Couple Wedding when Chad interrupts the final moment of the wedding ceremony by saying if they are so much in love, why don't they reveal the real father of the baby.
On Tyrex's first day, she told Dale Evans that brakes are required for the Elephant Sling, when used on wood floors. She has bonded with Cain't Beee and Myrtle told her she wants her to come back!
Southern Belle experienced calm and normalcy when she visited on Friday. Cain't Bee is not longer upset about the Mole Man after seeing the letter and said Fuck Him! This is the first time the house has been sane, since Cain't Bee's first major problems requiring in home care occurred following her stroke in October of 2011.
Southern Belle spent quite a bit of time texting with Dale Evans and it appears that a major shift in staff is possible, that includes Tyrex full-time and even a "Caucasian."
Southern Belle and Jemima went shopping today and will be gone for 8 hours, in order two see a double feature at the cinema. Cain't Bee gave them money for popcorn.
Hadajob has been on the phone constantly with Mrs. Slow Turd and Bananas to salvage her job by sabotaging everything in the house and blaming everything on Southern Belle. We hope her days are numbered and that Mrs. Slow Turd will stop being hypnotized by her lies and failures and excuses.
January 11, 2013
Albert Schweitzer: There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life-music and cats.
Tyrex is working with Larditude today and Hadajob is not working today! She will be re-assigned and was told to get her rodent scraps out of Cain't Bee's house and to change her mailing address. As she was packing, Hadajob stole the Dom Perignon and the batteries to the breathing cat in the living room.
The neighbors in the Twin Peaks area formed a vigilante group and painted "cat killer" and "Pied Piper Must Go" grafitti on the Twin Peaks house. Garcia will have to paint the front of the house. The vigilante group found out where Pied Piper works and is picketing the workplace with cat killer signs.
Pied Piper punched out one of the demonstrators and was arrested for assault. He is sharing a jail cell with Bean, who just got arrested for his 10th DUI.
The Mole Man has changed his phone number because Cain't Bee keeps filling up his answering machine, interfering with his business. He is furious with her. Southern Belle will see Cain't Bee today and attempt to calm her down about the Mole Man hairdoo problem. She is going to find a replacement for him soon.
Cain't Bee gave permission to the local KKK, to put a burning cross on her lawn with a sign saying No Nappys!
January 10, 2013
Dale Evans: That place is a madhouse!
Consumer Affairs Special: Consumer Affairs will do a special on dementia and elder care featuring Cain't Bee, Southern Belle and the whole household. They will highlight some of the issues facing the elderly in their struggle to remain living independently. Carolina will make a cameo appearance also.
ASPCA fines Pied Piper $2500 and tells him to dismantle the Rube Goldberg Feeding Stations in the backyard to Twin Peaks, after neighbors complain. The ASPCA knocked on the Twin Peaks door and Garcia let them take videos of the backyard-they were shocked to see hundreds of pounds of food and twenty-three feeding stations. They said it's the worst case of feeding abuse they have seen in years. The coyotes that have been attracted et 12 neighborhood cats already. Pied Piper was also ordered to appear in court to show that he had dismantled the contraptions and that he complies with taking the food in at night. The ASPCA captured Myrtle's remaining cats and all critters in the backyard. Pied Piper was in tears, as he has never been in trouble in his life and this will go on his record. Pied Piper will ask Myrtle to pay the bill and the clean-up costs, since the feeding of critters was being done in Max's memory. She will say she doesn't care.
Mayhem at Cain't Bee's House: Recently Southern Belle read the letter from Mole Man the hairdresser, to the staff so that they would keep quiet about the issue with Cain't Bee, who keeps asking for him. The letter essentially cuts all ties with Cain't Bee and blames her for mistreatment of the staff. Hadajob told Cain't Bee about the letter, after Cain't Bee kept demanding to see Mole Man. Then Cain't Bee demanded to see the letter and Hadajob pilfered confidential, personal records and found the letter. In Cain't Bee's mind, Southern Belle wrote the letter severing all ties with Cain't Bee and is furious. Dale Evans got involved and said that Larditude tried to cover up the truth and that records should be out of sight, which is a retarded response to what occurred. It is not possible to keep all records, purses, medications and mail "out of sight." Southern Belle is very upset about the situation and was already in the process of replacing the Mole Man, that's why she told the staff to keep quiet about the Mole Man. Now Cain't Bee is in a stroke mode indefinitely over that hairdresser she knew for thirty years. We feel that Hadajob spilled the beans deliberately to create chaos and drama and take people's minds off of her own miserable drunken behavior. Larditude is being corrupted by Hadajob and Tyrex will start today, with Hadajob's hours being cut by one 24/7 shift. We also think that Hadajob has been in touch with Bananas all along and is deliberately creating mayhem in the household. Southern Belle snooped in the kitchen and confirmed that Hadajob was drinking with Larditiude like they told her, when she found a Coppola cork in the corkscrew she never uses. Southern Belle had given Hadajob two bottles of Coppola for Xmas. Carolina has said that serious breaches of conduct will result in immediate termination of any employee-WELL?
Our experience shows that the Tongan Mafia is ominipresent and that the Tongans fail to stimulate and motivate their patients-quite the opposite, they are combative, sneaky, selfish, self-serving rodents who create havoc for Cain't Bee with pre-meditation.
January 9, 2013
Leonardo da Vinci: The smallest feline is a masterpiece.
Breaking News: Pied Piper has caused an invasion of coyotes in the Twin Peaks area by leaving hundreds of pounds of food out at night for cats, raccoons and skunks. Unfortunately, the coyotes eat the food AND cats. Channel 5 attempted to reach him for comment but he declined. The neighborhood is in a panic mode.
Dale Evans created a long text for Slow Hand, which he probably will not read. She outlined the Cain't Bee situation, how difficult she is, and informed him of a new employee, Tyrex, who will start Thursday and be "trained" by Hadajob. Tyrex is touted as the agency's best employee and it remains to be seen if she will work full-time.
Slow Hand is still acting like the CFO in his conversations with Southern Belle-CFO of what, we don't know.
January 8, 2013
Mark Twain: If animals could speak the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow, but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.
Hadajob has been getting drunk every night and last night she failed to grab the belt and Cain't Bee fell and fractured her butt bone-now she can't stand OR sit!
Slow Hand, after firing Fred Flintstone for his failure to get Cain't Bee to sign over assets to him, begged for money from Cain't Bee for his 65th birthday bash and she told him she has no extra money except emergency savings. He had a meltdown and Mrs. Slow Turd arranged an intervention, in which Slow Hand agreed to go to rehab. She will hold down the fort and continue to wash dog butts.
Larditude was smooching with her boyfriend in front of Cain't Bee's house, and Myrtle wandered out the front door and ended up at Starbucks. They asked her where she lived and she said Twin Peaks! 911 was called and she was taken to the hospital. The hospital finally figured out where she lived and sent her home in a cab.
Bean was hired to do yard work, but was high on crack and cut down all the trees in Cain't Bee's yard.
In a last ditch effort to get rid of Jemima the nigger, Cain't Bee talked a neighbor into launching a neighborhood petition stating no niggers in the neighborhood.
From his command post at the rehab center, Slow Hand, the CFO told Pied Piper that Mrs. Turd has arranged for the cats to be frozen at the ASPCA, that he is laid off and will be called when needed. Then he called Cain't Bee and she agreed to pay Slow Hand $350 per week so he doesn't have to go on food stamps.
January 7, 2013
Ernest Hemingway: A cat has absolute emotional honesty, human beings for one reason or another may hide their feelings but a cat does not.
Breaking News: Slow Hand finds out from Fred Flintstone that Cain't Bee did not sign over any probate assets to him. He first started crying, then tore up the house and went to the bar without Mrs. Slow Turd, who is furious that Cain't Bee didn't die yet. Mrs. Turd put a voodoo curse on Southern Belle because she thinks Southern Belle influenced Cain't Bee's decision to refuse the transfer of assets to Slow Hand.
Chopper 5: Staff Cat Fight At Cain't Bee's. Over minor issues, Larditude stormed into the staff room and Jemima started feverishly mopping and vacuuming. Jemima is more in tune with Cain't Bee's health than Larditude and Larditude obviously resents her. Cain't Bee has attempted to enlist Myrtle to persecute Jemima and Jemima faces persecution from everyone but Radish and Myrtle and it is uncomfortable for her.
In other exciting news, Pied Piper delivered roadkill greezy burritos and chips. Myrtle was in heaven and Cain't Bee said she wanted shrimp burritos. Pied Piper was embarrassed as usual. Then he showed pictures of skunks and raccoons.
Cain't Bee had a long talk with Dale Evans about the Jemima dilemma and how she may have to be re-assigned, and the Tongan problem and how Hadajob may be re-assigned. There is no date for Tyrannysaurus to work at Cain't Bee's.
Cain't Bee MUST go to the doctor for her cough. She called Larditude a Lard Ass. Slow Hand will arrange for Cain't Bee's doctor visit. Her right foot also looks bad and Jemima agreed while Larditude said it looks fine.
Slow Hand is appealing to the masses to fund his 65th birthday event-we wonder if he will get anything from Cain't Bee.
Southern Belle got her Xmas gift and did property taxes for Cain't Bee. Too bad we didn't serve the Dom Perignon on Xmas, or Southern Belle would have gotten a larger gift.
January 5,6, 2013
Eleanor Clark: Even the supidest cat seems to know more than any dog.
Stephen Baker: Kittens are born with their eyes shut. They open them in about six days, take a look around, then close them again for the better part of their lives.
Cain't Bee tells Jemima she must cover her face and hair at all times because she is a nappy nigger.
Cain't Bee is studying for her driver's license test and plans to start driving her Porsche soon. When she shows up at at the DMV, someone will shoot a video and it will go viral! First she will have to exercise and learn to walk. Slow Hand finally got his Xmas gift. Southern Belle hopes to discuss HER Xmas gift with Cain't Bee on Sunday.
Jemima is not allowed to serve meals to Cain't Bee because Cain't Bee thinks she is a nigger. Cain't Bee said the slaves should never have been set free. Larditude was civil to Southern Belle on Saturday.
Cain't Bee keeps asking for Mole Man to do her hair and doesn't know that he copped a tude and won't be back. Perhaps her new hairdresser can make Jemima a blonde.
January 4, 2012
Emile Auguste Chartier: Two things are aesthetically perfect in the world-the clock and the cat.
Southern Belle declined to text with Dale Evans last night as the drama is sometimes redundant and exhausting. I overslept this morning and fortunately Southern Belle had gone to sleep early and woke up early.
Cain't Bee asked when she will get her money from Max's estate and Southern Belle explained that it's only property and taxes due. Slow Hand is still out of touch with Fred Flintstone.
Jemima wants to give Myrtle her own bedroom because of Cain't Bee's screaming at night, however Myrtle is safer in the same room as Cain't Bee and wants to be in the same room as Cain't Bee.
As soon as Cain't Bee approves, Garcia will do some deep cleaning of the house. She still likes String Bean, who visited recently with his girlfriend slurping all over him. Perhaps he will do some yardwork.
January 3, 2013
Cleveland Amory: As anyone who has ever been around a cat for any length of time well knows, cats have enormous patience with the limitations of the human mind.
Southern Belle gave a brilliant performance during her call to Cain't Bee about her recent emergency trip to NC, to see her father. I'm sure Cain't Bee bought it. Cain't Bee said that Hadajob said that the agency said that the staff can serve left-overs, which pissed off Cain't Bee. Hadajob has hoof in mouth disease.
Slow Hand is mysteriously silent lately, and the last texts were short and less than happy.
Cain't Bee is still obsessed with Jemima and we think that Hadajob is brainwashing her into thinking that Southern Belle likes Jemima better than Cain't Bee. Soutern Belle said she has too much to do for Cain't Bee, to get emotionally involved with the staff and that Cain't Bee herself, is being emotional about the staff. Cain't Bee's monkey is trained to throw things at Jemima and her parrot says Nappy is a nigger!
Cain't Bee sees the doctor to take off her cast today and will see a doctor about her cough next week.
Hadajob has been given two weeks notice and ordered to go to rehab for being a drunk, before she is re-assigned to a new location.
January 2, 2013
W. L. George: Cats know how to obtain food without labor, shelter without confinement, and love without penalties.
Medication and Money meltdown: Cain't Bee's meds were filled up yesterday and Southern Belle will find out who did it. Hadajob said she didn't do it and that it must have been Jemima. The $50 Safeway card for the week, was used up on Monday, and Hadajob said that they needed bread and tomatoes, even though Southern Belle just bought four loaves of bread and plenty of tomatoes. We think it was spent on booze and New Year's Eve party favors!
Southern Belle noticed an intense conversation that Hadajob was having either with Slow Hand or Dale Evans.
Larditude started smoking on the job recently.
Hadajob was surly towards Southern Belle yesterday and Slow Hand was tense and short with Southern Belle for the first time in her memory.
Tyranasaurus will start working part-time next week.
Southern Belle did the bills yesterday and had a good visit with Cain't Bee.
January 1, 2013
Robert A. Heinlein: How we behave toward cats here below determines our status in heaven.
Haditmade and Larditude had a drunken orgy at Cain't Bee's last night, complete with wine, vodka, male strippers and Larditude's boyfriend. When Southern Belle called she could tell immediately that they were drunk.
Previously Haditmade was very surly to Southern Belle in an afternoon phone call concerning Radish's remarks about Cain't Bee's right leg and foot. Haditmade said she ALWAYS talks to people straight up and not behind their backs! She was mad at Radish.
Late in the evening, Southern Belle texted with Dale Evans for two hours. New developments include part-time new employee, Tyranasaurus and the re-assignment of Haditmade.
Southern Belle will do the books today at Cain't Bee's and talk to her for the first time in days.
Chipotle woke Southern Belle up on this New Year's Day morning, ranting about the outdoor lights. Southern Belle told her don't do it again.
December 31, 2012
Ellen Perry Berkeley: As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.
Latest Update: Dale Evans gets a TRO against Hepitude and the sheriff arrives and gives Hepitude 15 minutes to gather her rodent scrips and leave the premises and have no contact with Cain't Bee. Hepitude stole the Grinch puppet on the way out!
Previously: Hepitude told Cain't Bee that Southern Belle has a black lover that was with her at the hotel room during the Xmas Party and that she told Hepitude that Cain't Bee is a bitch, who doesn't appreciate all that she has done for her. Hepitude told Cain't Bee that Southern Belle served Cain't Bee NA wine and lied and said it was Edna Valley, making Cain't Bee furious, as it ruined her Xmas Day activities. Southern Belle discovered that Hepitude drank the 1995 bottle of Dom Perignon in the evening on Xmas Day and told Cain't Bee that Southern Belle stold it! Hepitude stole the new carving knife and pitch fork, then told Cain't Bee that Southern Belle took it for herself. Hepitude said that Southern Belle went on a date with Jemima and has an Obama sticker on her front door. Hepitude also said that Southern Belle is stealing money from Cain't Bee to buy her own groceries. Hepitude called Mrs. Slow Turd and complained that Southern Belle bought Rump Roast instead of Omaha Steaks and Prime Rib Roast! Mrs. Slow Turd told Hepitude she would scold Southern Belle. Hepitude told Cain't Bee that Southern Belle quit and that she told Hepitude she never liked Cain't Bee. Since Hepitude has been in touch with Bananas, and knows she is being fired, she talked Cain't Bee into letting her live in the house 7 days a week, do the books and be paid $25 per hour 24/7 under the table. Myrtle said I don't care! Hepitude now has her own bedroom and the other staff will have to sleep together in the same room.
The Fiscal Cliff Meltdow will occur at midnight, if no progress is made. Obama vows that at the very least the Senate will pass legislation to protect the middle class and avoid the cut-off of 2 million people receiving unemployment insurance. The argument is over revenue and whether to tax those making $250,000 and over (Dems) or those making $400,000 and over (Reps).
Southern Belle will speak to Cain't Bee today and visit her tomorrow. Yesterday, Southern Belle went on a gift card shopping therapy spree and got wonderful pillows for her living room chair. I got a manly towel and the cats got two scritching rugs.
December 30, 2012
Hank Ketchum: Meow is like Aloha-it can mean anything.
Yesterday, Jemima and Southern Belle shopped at Safeway for the coming week. Jemima is a good shopper and the shopping and errands took about an hour, however Lotitude made a frantic call to Southern Belle asking where Jemima was-apparently she had a meltdown.
Southern Belle is still banned from Cain't Bee's house so we are cleaning our house in preparation for a visit on Monday, from Camille, to see The Foot.
Last night Slow Hand and Southern Belle had fun texting for an hour.
After a blistering scolding by Southern Belle that is still ringing in my ears, I successfully disabled the upcoming automatic billing from Amazon Prime! While still suffering from dementia, I somehow have been able to do a few things, including finding perfect clean-up software for my computer @ $70 v headaches, errors and $170 per year for the Indian Techs. The software has been working very well and does turbo, RAM recovery, disk tune up and cleaning of errors and junk files. I have also managed to see that Southern Belle wakes up in time to get to work at the proper time. When the carpet steam cleaner arrives, the house will be as lily clean as possible at all times.
Southern Belle is looking forward to visiting Cain't Bee on New Year's Day and do the bookkeeping. In fact she put in so many hours preparing for Xmas and attending Cain't Bee related staff meetings and shopping for groceries, that she actually deserved a weekend to take care of herself and the real emergency of her seriously ill father.
The litter pans are done!!!
December 29, 2012
Lynn M Osband: The mathematical probability of a common cat doing exactly as it pleases is the one scientific absolute in the world.
Dale Evans cited recent conflicts following the staff training session and asked Southern Belle to stay away from Cain't Bee this weekend. She is a bit paranoid, however she is consistently doing what is in Cain't Bee's best interest. Hepitude has been talking shit to Slow Hand, Mrs. Slow Turd and anyone who will listen. I think the owners are in the process of a transition and are testing Lotitude. I believe Hepitude is already history.
Slow Hand falls off of two fiscal cliffs-no assets from Cain't Bee and no job...Happy New Year. Mrs. Slow Turd is furious that Cain't Bee didn't die yet.
Jemima and Southern Belle will meet at Safeway to do shopping for the house today.
December 28, 2012
Jane Burden: Prowling his own quiet backyard or asleep by the fire, he is still only a whisker away from the wilds.
Chopper Five Spots The Cain't Bee Staff Meeting at Starbucks!
Hepitude and Lotitude thought they were going out for a joy ride with their bosses and were upset when they found out Southern Belle would be there. It was obvious on Xmas Day that Hepitude and Lotitude are lazy and do as little as possible in between stuffing their face, demanding Filet Mignon and playing with their computers and cellphones, when they aren't falling over the couch with their huge lard butts.
Southern Belle met with the two in home care bosses and Hepitude and Lotitude for a training session. Hepitude had a tude and didn't pick up on ques from her boss. Both employees whined that they are doing the best they can, after being blistered with concerns outlined by Dale Evans and Carolina. The issues discussed had been largely contributed by Southern Belle in a list for the bosses. Jemima and Tivo covered for Hepitude and Lotitude during the meeting. Tivo is touted to be the agency's best employee and is available to replace Hepitude, who appears to be on the chopping block, after a long list of problems and for pestering Slow Hand and Mrs. Slow Turd all the time-she thought she was indispensable.
Southern Belle finally got home, only to get an angry call from Cain't Bee, saying that the staff said she wasn't really Cain't Bee's friend, that she was a shit disturbing, Jemima loving bitch. Cain't Bee was enraged and it took awhile for Southern Belle to calm her down and remind her that her 1000s of hours of service work are out of friendship and that she had been very busy preparing for a fun Xmas Day. Cain't Bee finally calmed down, avoiding a heart attack. Southern Belle texted Dale Evans about how the staff is doing the opposite of what was discussed at the meeting.
Southern Belle was scolded by Cain't Bee saying that she offered to pay her but Southern Belle refuses payment, however a Xmas bonus is in order. While somewhat jealous of all the attention Myrtle gets from Jemima, we don't feel that this is the real issue, as Cain't Bee rarely needs to deal with the dark skinned Jemima. Cain't Bee still has problems with the issue of a nigger under every rock.
Meanwhile, Slow Hand is still obsessed and in pout mode about Bubba's preferred gift of the framed Farm Auction Notice posted by his grand-father, in Missouri. For a real Slow Hand meltdown, just wait till January 1st!!!
December 27, 2012
P G Wodehouse: The trouble with cats is they have no tact.
Cain't Bee's parrot is being trained to mimick her screaming and swearing during the day and it sleeps with a blanky over the cage at night. In her genius, Cain't Bee will now be able to go easy on her vocal chords during the day and have plenty of energy to scream and swear all night. Also she can train the parrot to say nigger, nappy, stop that, I'm gonna fire you, who slammed the door and don't let Mickey out!
Slow Hand is bewildered that he hasn't heard from Fred Flintstone and texted Southern Belle about whether or not he needs to meet with Cain't Bee again. Southern Belle shared "part" of the confidential letter to Cain't Bee with him, pertaining to the finalization of the probate process. The clock is ticking on any possibility of Cain't Bee signing over assets to Slow Hand before the 12/31 deadline.
In fact, Slow Hand got fired, not laid off and the company is fighting his unemployment claim! The foodstamp line is looming. Mrs. Slow Turd is getting a second job as a convenience store clerk swing shift. Slow Hand is still pouting over being outdone by Bubba as to Xmas gifts.
December 26, 2012
Stephen Baker: Cats' hearing apparatus is built to allow the human voice to easily go in one ear and out the other.
I decided to join Southern Belle at Cain't Bee's Xmas Party yesterday. I wished Cain't Bee a Merry Christmas and she reciprocated and yelled don't let Mickey out! This year's Christmas Glee Club Dinner included myself, Southern Belle, Cain't Bee, Myrtle, Hepitutde, Lotitude and Marigold, the neighbor. Jabberwocky from accross the street, brought delicious cookies and a dinner plate. Marigold brought a platter of vegetables, dip and cheese. There were many goodies and presents and the best one was from Bubba, who located a Missouri Auction document from 1966, that was beautifully framed. The auction was the family grand-father's farm (Cain't Bee's father). Myrtle read aloud, EVERY word on the document and was mesmerized. Cain't Bee was mildly interested. Slow Hand was jealous rather than appreciative that this was the best, "personal" gift item, as he purchased scrips from Costco and Ross.
The high point of the dinner was when Southern Belle started discussing sex toys-Hepitude, Lotitude and Marigold starting cracking up and said that Southern Belle had been drinking 5 glasses of wine. Concerning wine, Cain't Bee, who is not allowed to drink real wine for awhile, was quite displeased with her fake wine, even though Southern Belle tried to convince her that it was good.
Southern Belle was pleased to get a confidential letter from Fred Flinstone to Cain't Bee, his client, that states probate will be over next year and that the deadline for Cain't Bee to sign over any probate assets to Slow Hand is the 31st of this month. One more meeting between Fred and Cain't Bee has been discussed, however she has made it clear that she is not transferring any assets to Slow Hand. I have a dollar bet with Southern Belle that this will remain the case. Apparently Slow Hand is assuming that the assets will be transferred to him and has not been in touch with Fred Finstone.
Note to Hepitude and Lotitude: the staff job objective is to nurture Cain't Bee and Myrtle with uplifting music, TV and intellectual stimulation. They make fun of Jemima, who is actually doing a great job with Myrtle, while mold is growing on the extra large lard butts of Hepitude and Lotitude. They pigged out on the snacks, turned the TV music to Rock and Roll and played with the computer and their cellphones. It doesn't appear that they are working up a sweat very often! As well, the house is not sparkling clean and the cats are not being cared for as discussed. Garcia will probably have to do a deep cleaning soon, because the staff is not taking advantage of numerous 20-30 minute windows of opportunity to do basic cleaning.
Southern Belle and Dale Evans simultaneously suggested the idea of a training session for the staff to re-inforce objectives and "teach" the staff what the job is really about-Cain't Bee and Myrtle's problems, not the staff's issues. Hepitude and Lotitude are clever manipulators, however they fail to see the need to stimulate Cain't Bee and Myrtle on a regular basis. A follow up to the training session will also be necessary.
Chipotle celebrated Xmas in bed and made love to her TV. Chatty Cathy gave us a Xmas card and the mailman wished us a Merry Xmas. Southern Belle and I sopke to our parents and my sister called. Bean and the Court Jester, who is overqualified for most jobs and chronicly unemployed, sent best wishes also. Court Jester celebrated Xmas in Morocco!
December 25, 2012
Winnifred Carriere: Cats always know whether people like or dislike them. They do not always care enough to do anything about it.
Slow Hand Mandate: For Xmas Dinner, the staff must serve Cain't Bee, then go in the other room and eat tarot pancakes with maple syrup, which he gave to them as a present-no luxury turkey and pie! Slow Hand provided them with plastic forks and a paper thin cutting board for their convenience. Let them eat cek! He is very happy that the staff only got cheap wine and candy. As a business manager he knows how to pinch pennies, which is all he has.
Slow Hand has been taking an MBA correspondence course from a certificate mill, and is learning how to be cheap to the staff and taking vocabulary lessons to learn words like pro-active, objective, subjective, passive-aggressive and delegate. The only problem is, that he doesn't understand the words. Except for the really important decisions, required of a brilliant MBA business manager, Slow Hand defers to Mrs. Slow Turd. Slow Hand will get his certificate after completing 6 weeks of studies and paying $10,000. He won't really understand anything new, but he will have a title, which is all-important to him and his LLPCDROM!
Chipotle will celebrate Xmas at 2pm, after she wakes up, with the TV and a cheap pizza. She invited Southern Belle, but Southern Belle has other plans obviously.
Mrs. Slow Turd, in a command decision to cut costs, told Southern Belle to reduce payments to Pied Piper, to $250 per week, leave Garcia's pay unchanged, and to tell the staff she hopes they enjoy the special tarot ceks with maple syrup and Suzy Homemaker plistic utensils and cutting boards that are thinner than placemats. She said to leave Mole Man alone.
December 24, 2012- Christmas Eve!
Stuart McMillan: A meow massages the heart.
Today, all the cats hovered upon Southern Belle's bed because it's Monday and they thought she was late for work and/or not feeling well.
It turns out that Bubba is weird and can't carry on a conversation without being Debbie Downer.
Southern Belle told Slow Hand about the hair care dilemma for Cain't Bee and Myrtle-he will have Mrs. Slow Turd get back to her. In the alternative, Southern Belle has a friend that could do it.
Southern Belle got a package from NC today!
Southern Belle plans to get a steam cleaner at Target for the "blue" rug, so we can keep the house smelling lily fresh!
Southern Belle and I had good conversations with our parents about holiday wishes and health issues-my dad also had surgery recently.
Slow Hand is out of the loop concerning the 1/2 of 1/3 of Max's estate-apparently he has not been in touch with Fred Flinstone or Barney Rubble. Fred plans another $2000 meeting with Cain't Bee over the issue, to satisfy Slow Hand that he made diligent effort to get her to sign the paperwork. My dollar bet with Southern Belle is that Cain't Bee won't sign. The staff, household, property repairs and taxes are mounting up and exceeding the monthly cash flow. It doesn't appear wise for Cain't Bee to give up any monthly income at this juncture.
Southern Belle and I will share Glen Ellen champagne and a special change in the menu tonight, while she will spend Xmas Dinner with Cain't Bee, Myrtle, the neighbor, Hepitude and Lotitude. Southern Belle picked up the feast from the gourmet market this morning.
Garcia will help us with cleaning out the store room and a big pick up by Recology sometime next year.
Perhaps he can deep clean the cat litter pans!
December 23, 2012
George F. Will: Like a graceful vase, a cat, even when motionless, seems to flow.
I appreciated Southern Belles tinder kisses in response to her gift of a handicapped insomnia and cat care certificate in place of the expired DMV placard. If she is not taking on too many problems belonging to others and can sleep with confidence that she won't be late to work, she should be more comfortable in life.
On Wednesday, Southern Belle plans to read the riot act to the business banker over the hassles with the quarters, and demand a free horsey, or take Cain't Bee's millions to another bank.
December 22, 2012
Garrison Keillor: Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.
Slow Hand sent unwrapped, cheap candy, Suzy Homemaker junk and nothing Hawaiian for gifts to the staff. Mrs. Turd probably picked out the gifts, which were questionable to deserve wrapping paper! Recycle!
We did shopping and banking today, and Southern Belle got hassled about the quarters AGAIN. However the banker showed her a trick to roll them more quickly. I got a surprise gift for Southern Belle.
After 30 years of hair care, projects and mole eradication without success, the Mole Man wrote a nasty letter to Cain't Bee, saying he could not care for her hair anymore because of the way she treats the in home care staff. He sent it by registered mail and included a scribbled $50 refund, presumably to legally cut all ties. Luckily Cain't Bee didn't see the letter. The timing was particularly poor, as Mole Man knows that Cain't Bee is recovering and this is the middle of the Holiday Season. We decided to ignore him.
Southern Belle and the staff wrapped all the presents yesterday and took excellent photos. Last night she completed the final Xmas shopping by sending gift baskets from Cain't Bee to Bubba and Slow Hand. She will give Garcia a $50 gift.
No good deed goes unpunished-on Friday, Southern Belle was at the liquor store and the owner asked for a ride to his car at the Post Office, presumably just down the street. However he meant clear accross town and Southern Belle had to go through traffic and rain to get him there. He sort of said thanks. Then she got caught in the mud near Smart and Final and gunned the engine to get out. She ruined her tires and her favorite tennis shoes.
Since Southern Belle has no handicapped placard anymore, I gave her a one year certificate for services to the cats, household and GET UP ON TIME, valid until further notice.
December 21, 2012
The end of the world!!!
Roger Caras: Cats can be cooperative when something feels good, which, to a cat, is the way everything is supposed to feel as much of the time as possible.
Slow Hand shows up as a drunken Santa Claus at the Cain't Bee Xmas Party and demands money from Cain't Bee. Mrs. Turd told him to tell Bubba that he is a moocher and is trying to ruin the family unit, because he is getting one third of Max's estate and Slow Hand is getting zero. Slow Hand had to get a rent-a-junker car this time because he couldn't afford a big SUV. He started stuffing dinner and snacks into his Santa coat and grossed everyone out. A food fight broke out and Cain't Bee told Slow Hand and Mrs. Turd to get the hell out of my house and don't ever come back! The Dom Perignon was knocked over and half the bottle spilled. The neighbors called the cops because they heard Cain't Bee screaming and Slow Hand and Mrs. Turd were told to leave.
Slow Hand's new plan is to use his power of attorney to get funds from Cain't Bee's accounts. He fired Fred Flintsone and called him a traitor. He still plans to form an LLPCDROM and renovate Twin Peaks so he can rent it out for $4000 per month!
Mrs. Turd and Slow Hand got evicted from their house and now live in the homeless shelter.
December 20, 2012
Irish Proverb: A cat's eyes are windows enabling us to see into another world.
Southern Belle invited Bubba and his wife to Cain't Bee's Xmas Party. Bubba shares one third of the probate pie left by Max's estate.
Cain't Bee is holding out an olive branch for Slow Hand and Mrs. Turd to stay at the country house, now that Slow Hand informed her he was being laid off on the 1st. Unfortunately, Mrs. Turd was only interested in the past, if they could get the house AND $5000 per month. The cash flow for Cain't Bee and Myrtle does not include any extra expenses like this. We think Slow Hand is having a meltdown over being snubbed by Cain't Bee over the 1/2 of 1/3 of the estate, loss of job and failure to hear from Fred Flintstone.
Mrs. Turd convinced Slow Hand to make a desperation trip to see Cain't Bee and talk her out of some money or else! She is furious that Cain't Bee and Myrtle are still alive and is tired of looking at dog butts.
December 19, 2012
Leo Dworkin: No amount of time can erase the memory of a good cat, and no amount of masking tape can ever totally remove his fur from your couch.
Southern Belle spoke with Cain't Bee yesterday and apparently Cain't Bee refused to sign over half of her share of Max's estate, to Slow Hand, after being asked if she would, three times, by Fred Flintsone. We didn't hear from Slow Hand yesterday afternoon.
Southern Belle is still doing Xmas shopping and Lotitude and Nappy will wrap the presents.
Chipmunk's new nickname is Chipotle!
Proposed Events
Store Room Big Pick Up By Rubbish Company
Egg Nog!!!
Cain't Bee Xmas Party
Big Bonus For Southern Belle From Cain't Bee and Myrtle! Slow Hand? Doubt It!
Bonus From Landlord
Bonus From Sale At Work
Southern Belle Cleans Cat Litter Pans With Help From Me
Shopping at Target
The Melting Pot
Quarters and Lunch in the Haight January 19, 2013
New Year's Eve and Day
Selected Events of 2012
Tommy Learns To Play Lighted Speed Ball Snake Like a Pro
Gleeful Cain't Bee Enjoys Looking At Laundry Quarters and There Is $50 Million In The Account
Camille Calls In Script For Flash
Nappy!!!
Smiley Promises To Help Southern Belle Get To Work on Time for the Month of December For Xmas Installed New Smoke Detector/Battery
Southern Belle Gets Electric Mom From HRW For Xmas
Furnace Repaired/Had A Beer With Jon
Quarters and Pizza Date
Southern Belle Xmas Work Celebration and $3500 Bonus For 35 Years' Service
Southern Belle Buys Me Manly Dishwashing Gloves
Southern Belle Gave Me Flannel Sheets For My Xmas Present
I Find Excellent, Cheap Software To Replace Phone Techs
New Carbon Monoxide Detectors
I Cut My Hair!
Carpet Installed
Refinished Hallway By Bathroom
Southern Belle on Antibiotics For a Week
Cain't Bee Breaks Foot
Ashleigh Treated For Stomatitis
Quarters and Date At Alice's Restaurant
Southern Belle Buys Me 5 Gallons of Simple Green!
Southern Belle Breaks Ankle
Quarters and Date in the Haight
New TV
New Computers For Me
Southern Belle's Birthday and $2500 in Gifts
Slippers From HRW For Birthday
Card and Note From Me For SB Birthday
Southern Belle Is Being Stalked By A Big Burly Cop In San Mateo
Several Visits From Camille-All Cats Are Healthy
Sunshine's Kidney Stone Episode
Sunshine and the Foot Gain Weight
Tommy Adopted and Neutered by Southern Belle
Quarters and Dates At The Cliff House
Southern Belle Gives Old Phone/Tunes To Friend
Southern Belle Gets New I-Phone
Southern Belle Retrieves Tunes For I-Phone From Computer
Work Breakfast Meetings
Slow Hand Gift To Southern Belle
Southern Belle Gets Brakes Fixed In Nick O' Time
I Fixed The Horrible Scratches On Cain't Bee's Wood Floor In Her Bedroom, That Were Driving Her Crazy
New Staff Hired For Cain't Bee and Myrtle
Bananas and Sleaza Drama - Unforgettable!
Max Dies And Probate Should Complete By The End Of the Year
Pied Piper Builds Rube Goldberg Contraptions For Cats, Skunks, Raccoons, Squirrels, Chipmunks and other Rodents In Max's Memory
Myrtle Moves In With Cain't Bee-Pied Piper Spends the Year Trying To Convince Myrtle To Move Back To Twin Peaks For His Meal Ticket
Pied Piper Gets Budget Cut On Pet Food
David No Longer Gets $1000s For Picking Up Pet Food and Stealing Quarters
New Vacuum And I Fix It When Necessary
I Quit Drinking Beer!
Southern Belle Gives Me A Professional Coffee Pot
Southern Belle Wins Toaster Oven
Southern Belle Wins Contest For Work Slogan
Numerous Fruitless Trips By Slow Hand
I Revived The Front Lawn
We Gave Lemons To The Landlord And The Neighborhood
Butt Crack Spends One Month On The Laundry Room and New Door-His Radio Disappears!
New Washer Dryers Were Installed
Roaming Rodents Picked Up The Old Ones
We Did A Small Clean Up Of The Store Room
Garcia Washes Walls and Blinds
Bean on Probation For DUI Again
Pet Food Costs At Twin Peaks Were Outrageous
December 18, 2012
Mister Rogers: Could you be mine, would you be mine, won't you be my neighbor!
Latest Update: Chipmunk leaves light on! She is sorry and will invite Southern Belle over for Pizza with anchovies and to watch some late night TV. Of course there is no smoking in her apartment.
Chipmunk goes amok. Background: Chipmunk has lived in the hood for about two years. She has remodeled the apartment five times, decided to move out and changed her mind, five times, and has complained five times about noise, most recently, doors opening and closing, causing her to be frightened. She previously requested that the outside lights be turned on so she wouldn't be scared when she gets home at about 6 pm. Recently, she texted Southern Belle to share some issues, e.g. spend some quality time together. Southern Belle declined as she has plenty on her plate already.
Yesterday, Chipmunk texted Southern Belle about doors opening and closing in the complex. Southern Belle emailed all the neighbors, including one email to Texas, and spent two hours on the issue, only to find out that the problem is the utility closet for the outside lights. Two weeks ago Sunday, Chipmunk heard the door open and close at 7:30 am and was frightened. After two hours of texting, Chipmunk said it was only the utility closet door that bothered her. We think that besides having issues, she may be suffering from haunted house/ghosts due to carbon monoxide poisoning.
Chipmunk decides that she will turn the lights out in the morning so she won't be scared anymore. Southern Belle re-texted everyone that all is well in the hood. At dinner time, Southern Belle showed Chipmunk how to turn the lights on and off in the utility closet. We hope the issue is resolved finally.
Southern Belle and Jemima rolled all the quarters. Southern Belle has done most of the Xmas shopping and is preparing for the Xmas Dinner with Cain't Bee and Myrtle this weekend. It will be catered by a gourmet market and will include a bottle of 1995 Dom Perignon champagne, that miraculously survived from Twin Peaks. A fat Xmas bonus for Southern Belle has been proposed by Cain't Bee.
Cain't Bee is still concerned about probate so Southern Belle reassured her that all is well and will be resolved soon.
December 17, 2012
Dan Greenberg: There is incidently, no way of talking about cats that enables one to come off as a sane person.
PG&E red tagged our furnace, as it was emitting dangerous carbon monoxide levels-the worker said I'm shutting down the furnace, open all the doors! Later, SB's friend fixed the furnace and it will be re-inspected next week. He discombopulated the whole apparatus and cleaned it thoroughly, then put it back together. He even got on the roof to check the vent. The meter reading is now zero. Later, he came by to have a beer with us after Southern Belle gave him a generous payment and tip.
Southern Belle discussed the slippery slope that Cain't Bee traverses involving the ego, super ego and id. Cain't Bee thinks that Nappy now looks like Jemima! She seems trapped in her own skin at times. We decided it would be rude and hurtful to tell Jemima to refrain from wearing the Aunt Jemima scarf. SB actually had a great day with Cain't Bee until she mentioned Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble and Slow Hand and Mrs. Turd. She continues to scream so often that sometimes the staff just ignores her.
Myrtle's missing gift has been found so SB still has faith in humanity.
Slow Hand and Mrs. Turd conspired to approve only $50 for a staff bonus, rather than $100. Slow Hand failed to read a tax bill, then sent it to Southern Belle in a huge, priority mail envelope, costing $20. Southern Belle determined the bill had already been paid by actually reading the document.
Slow Hand told Southern Belle that he and Mrs. Turd never argue, however he frequently pouts, throws things, slams doors and burns rubber. We find that this is the result of serious disagreement with people and acting like a child, rather than dealing with issues. We find that passive aggressive behavior qualifies as a response to a situation that is a form of argument. Southern Belle and I have argued and it generally leads to a resolution and/or change for the better.
December 16, 2012
Colonial Proverb: You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats.
The laundry quarter pick up went well and we showed the quarters to Cain't Bee-she was quite pleased to see all the money. When I first spoke to her she said she wasn't any better, but warmed up after seeing the quarters and noticed I cut my hair and was pleasant. This is the first time I have spoken to her in weeks and she seems much better to me.
For lunch we were turned away at The Melting Pot, due to no reservations, so we had a piping hot vegetarian thin crust pizza in downtown San Mateo. Southern Belle and the staff will count quarters today, after she does Christmas shopping, food shopping and errands.
Our carbon monoxide level hovers between 40 and 60 parts per million, while the danger level is 100 or more. However the CDC and Wikipedia say to have a furnace serviced once a year and that one can have bad effects from chronic low levels of carbon monoxide, including, confusion, seeing ghosts and even vertigo.
In other exciting research, we find that Mrs. Turd is living in a community in Hawaii where pollen levels are extremely high in spring, while Glen Ellen averages a 2.1 level on a scale of 1-12. It is a well known fact that asthma is aggravated by smog and vog, which is high in Kona and low in Glen Ellen. Slow Hand continues to suffer from vertigo, after effects from heart surgery and pouting over most issues, while forgetting about other important issues. "Other environmental factors" is not covered by CDC and Wikipedia, however, Slow Hand and Mrs. Turd may have carbon monoxide issues that they aren't aware of.
The cats were alone ALL day and were happy that we brought them wet food and litter-they are wondering what's for Xmas, perhaps catnip and treats. Tommy and Kristy have figured out the lighted ball speed trap shaped like a snake. Baby Jane still plays with the round one.
December 14, 2012
Joseph Wood Krutch: Cats seems to go on the principle that it never hurts to ask for what you want.
Slow Hand and Mrs. Turd are being laid off and have applied for unenjoyment insurance and food stamps! Slow Hand was replaced by a machine and Mrs. Turd drowned a dog while washing it and was terminated. They are looking for work but it's tough to get a decent job these days. Slow Hand is scavenging for cans and bottles to redeem for cash. He has been to many dumpsters and trash cans but there is a lot of competition by people with bicycles and shopping carts. Slow Hand's only pair of old blue shorts ripped and his unit is showing. His flip flops have flipped apart.
Southern Belle texted Slow Hand that staff expenses are as high as ever and that a significant chunk of Max's estate goes to a relative no one likes.
Slow Hand called Cain't Bee to beg for money and she said, who? I don't know any Slow Hand! Now, as well as suffering from vertigo and pouting, Slow Hand is totally broke. I guess the LLPCDROM is on hold for now. Mrs. Turd is furious that Cain't Bee hasn't died yet. She told Slow Hand to go to California and hurry up to get Cain't Bee's money or else!
December 13, 2012
Martin Buxbaum: If we treated everyone we meet with the same affection we bestow upon our favorite cat, they, too, would purr.
Cain't Bee just got a pet monkey for her entertainment pleasure and named her Nappy. She is very pleased with herself as Nappy goes nuts everytime she screams and swears, and throws things, makes wild noises and leaves aberrations everywhere. This way Cain't Bee can keep the staff on their toes at all times. Nappy gets along well with the cats, wears a jumpsuit and a cap.
Nappy has rearranged the kitchen and it will take Garcia and an extra staff person to put it back in order. Nappy plays patta cake with Cain't Bee to keep her circulation moving.
When Fred Flintsone showed up to get Cain't Bee to sign all her assets over to Slow Hand, Nappy threw aberrations at him. Cain't Bee laughed and Myrtle said Cain't Bee is crazy.
Southern Belle will have to add many bananas to the shopping list.
December 12, 2012
Jean Cocteau: I love cats because I enjoy my home, and little by little, they become it's visible soul.
Hepitude has been counseling Cain't Bee about Christianity and the Bible. Today, Cain't Bee became a born again Christian and dedicated her life to Jesus! There are candles in every room of the house and she is now watching Christian Broadcasting on the TV. She realizes that she was possessed by Satan and has repented for being a 24/7 bitch. In a miracle from God, her infected hand is better and she doesn't have the shakes anymore.
She is changing her will and leaving all her money and property to a cat foundation and the Tongan Church! She is being baptized in the ocean, by three huge Tongans. She feels guilty for being a porker and now will fast once a week. She is trying to convert Myrtle, but Myrtle says, I don't care.
Slow Hand and Fred Flinstone are furious and will pursue a conservatorship of Cain't Bee, since she is writing big checks to feed the starving chiddren of the world and is incompetent to change her will. Mrs. Turd thinks that Cain't Bee should be committed to a rest home with maggots.
The Ladies' Tea Party and music is cancelled because Cain't Bee will spend Sundays at the Tongan Church.
In a dramatic change of heart, Cain't Bee will now let the staff use the dishwasher and take hot showers instead of cold showers.
December 11, 2012
Missy Dizick: Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well. Note: applies to California the cat.
Southern Belle after many years, pays a heavy price for a bonus and an Electric Mom.
HRW ruined a recent event with inappropriate remarks concerning Southern Belle. At a conference, HRW's lackey, Dumbo, violated Southern Belle's space with ridiculous touching and remarks. Scotch Brite insulted Southern Belle's friends.
Cain't Bee apparently made no calls to Southern Belle yesterday, not even at work, as she often does.
Cain't Bee believes that her house is infested with bed bugs that are giving her a rash and will have the whole house tented and fumigated for critters. She will set up housekeeping for two days at the Hyatt, with her cats and servants. Boy is the Hyatt in for a surprise! I pity the guests who are next door to her suite.
After a long and very colorful life, and the best care money can buy, so that she can live in her own house, Cain't Bee has been reduced to jibberish and obsessions about a nigger in the White House and every room in her house.
In a miraculous development, Cain't Bee's doctor exam shows she is pregnant with String Long Dong Bean's baby! Her diet will change to roadkill with gravy, cek, pickles and ice cream.
Mole man will bleach Cain't Bee's black cat, white, because it reminds her of niggers.
December 10, 2012
Smiley remark on the skills of Cain't Bee and Her Royal Whoreness: Let me get a jackhammer to bore into your soul!
Channel 5 Consumer Hotline gets a complaint from Cain't Bee about niggers in her house and they send a camera crew for a live interview at her house.
Channel 5: What seems to be the problem?
Cain't Bee: You're black! There's a nigger in my house and I want her to get out.
Channel 5: Yes, I'm black. I see. Does she work here? What's her name?
Cain't Bee: Her name is Nappy and my son hired her and she works for a company owned by Dale Evans and Roy Rogers, but I don't have their number.
Channel 5: We'll call your son. How long has this problem been going on?
Cain't Bee: About two years!
Just then the Chopper 5 Helicopter circles Cain't Bee's house with a banner that says Free Nappy!
Channel 5: Why don't you like Nappy?
Cain't Bee: She's a nigger, damnit and she spends all her time with my sister. I don't want niggers in my house.
Channel 5: We interviewed Nappy and she is not a nigger, she is Indian.
Cain't Bee: I don't give a damn, she looks like a nigger to me and I want you to get rid of her!
Channel 5: This is not the usual complaint resolution we are involved with.
Cain't Bee: Listen lady, I've got a lotta money and property and stocks and I'm telling you to get rid of her.
Channel 5: You seem to be a little upset.
Cain't Bee: There's nothing wrong except that nigger is in my house. What's your name? I'm going to call your boss!
Channel 5: Nappy! Here's my bosses number.
We called your son and Nappy is not going to be fired. He will only visit California again when someone dies so he can take over the financial empire.
Cain't Bee: That bastard, if he was here, I'd kill him after strangling him!
Channel 5: We are going to consider this case resolved.
Cain't Bee: Get the hell our of my house you bitch nigger!
Channel 5: Thanks for your remarks, they will be aired tonight at 5.
Cain't Bee: ANNIE!!! Call Southern Belle, it's an emergency! Cain't Bee's veins are bulging with rage.
December 7, 2012
Mary Bly: Dogs come when they're called. Cats take a message and get back to you later.
Albert Schweitzer: There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.
Hepitude called Southern Belle at work on Cain't Bee's phone as though it was an emergency and it wasn't. Southern Belle told Dale Evans.
Cain't Bee goes to the doctor today using a private transport service with a gurney. After the exam, Slow Hand and Mrs. Turd have lined up Electro Shock Therapy to straighten out her attitude. Nurse Rachet and Dr. Demento will perform the procedure. I doubt that it will be successful.
More chaos in the Cain't Bee household. Cain't Bee told Nappy she had to get out of the house because she is a nigger. Both Hepitude and Lotitude have meltdowns and file Workers' Comp claims. Dale Evans is scrambling to fill the staff void.
December 6, 2012
Paul Gray: Cats are kindly masters, just so long as you remember your place.
Also: One must love a cat on it's own terms.
Cain't Bee has had plenty of time to settle into her home after the SNF experience and is acting out worse than ever. She is screaming 24/7 and the staff has no time to keep notes or even attempt to cook meals without Cain't Bee having a meltdown.
Myrtle isn't getting any sleep and spends the day sleeping in the living room with Nappy. The staff is not getting any sleep and is copping a daytime tude.
Dale Evans suggests another employee for the daytime but Slow Hand says let's wait a week. He seems to be mesmerized by Mrs. Turd, in thinking that nothing will improve Cain't Bee's well-being and that she will die soon. As the only son in a situation where no one else except Southern Belle is following Cain't Bee's progress, Slow Hand says he is being objective, but we feel that he only cares about money. Little does he know that Cain't Bee only agreed to give him half of her share of Max's estate and has not signed anything and will not sign anything in her present state of mind. Slow Hand is totally out of touch with her 24/7 trauma and theatrics.
Slow Hand's objectivity seems to be limited to his objectives only-money.
Southern Belle spent five days sleuthing the case of the three days of medications left in the pill box. Lotitude tried to blame Hepitude, however Hepitude wasn't present when the supposed replacement of meds took place. Now Lotitude has copped a tude against Southern Belle and last night, instead of handing the phone to Hepitude to discuss the matter, she just told Southern Belle to call Hepitude. Now Lotitude is on the shit list.
Dale Evans, from the beginning, envisioned an improved Cain't Bee who would stroll on the deck and tend to her garden-this is wishful thinking and the staff is having a total meltdown, attempting to deal with Cain't Bee, who is 50% impaired and 50% hell-bent on creating chaos for the madhouse she has created, due to fear of her health issues and fear of dying and anger at Slow Hand for not being a Bay Area resident, who would visit her regularly and be able to understand her in her worst episode in life.
At age 88, Cain't Bee deserves the best care that money can buy-money that she has. The cash flow issue only means that Slow Hand is not in a position to ask for anything from Cain't Bee, however Cain't Bee should have another employee to help with the madhouse. She worked very hard in her life and is spending her money and Myrtle's money so that she is not institutionalized. Given the assets of both Myrtle and Cain't Bee, they should have whatever they need, even two extra daytime employees.
Slow Hand learned the words subjective and objective yesterday and doesn't understand either word, as he is simply selfish. He should follow Dale Evans' advice to do whatever possible to enable Cain't Bee and Myrtle to be happy, and not living in a madhouse environment, which she says includes hiring an extra person.
In a half-hour diatribe with Southern Belle yesterday on the phone, Slow Hand reveals that he is totally clueless about everything and Southern Belle resisted the temptation to say anything, AND he didn't ask. So Cain't Bee is swarming with diaper rash and disgruntled employees and Slow Hand says let's wait a week before doing anything-typical Slow Hand.
December 5, 2012
Anonymous: Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as Gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
Slow Hand makes a special trip to see Cain't Bee and when she sees him, she says who are you? He says he's her son Mike and she says the only Mike I know is in a SF office building! Fred Flintstone is at the meeting and asks Cain't Bee if she knows what day it is and she says I know what day it is, it's Thursday, you bastards. Then he asks her who the president is and she says that nigger! Myrtle is in the room and tells Slow Hand she will give him money-how much do you want? Fred takes Slow Hand aside and tells him to consider a conservatorship for Cain't Bee and maybe Myrtle. Cain't Bee overhears their conversation and says you're both trying to take all my money-get the hell out of my house. Then she yells for Lotus Blossom and tells her she should get off the phone and change her diapers or she'll kill her.
Meanwhile, Mrs. Turd got fired from her doggie wash job and is really putting the heat on Slow Hand to resolve the signing over of the assets, even though she "knows" that Cain't Bee will die before the end of the year.
Hepitude missed her deadline with Dale Evans to move her stuff and Dale Evans called Junk King to remove it all. Hepitude is still getting mail delivered to Cain't Bee, as she is homeless and apparently doesn't know anyone that she can trust with her mail.
December 4, 2012
Pablo Picasso: God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style. He just goes on trying other things.
Cain't Bee had a difficult, disorienting experience at the SNF after surgery on her foot. She has been home for about a week and unfortunately hasn't shown much improvement. We don't know if there has been a comprehensive study of her diagnosis other than dementia and stroke symptoms. It becomes depressing to see her limited mobility and listening to her jibberish and swearing. Fortunately she is getting excellent help from the staff at home and they have used the elephant sling to lift her into the wheelchair so she can go into the living room sometimes, rather than staying in bed 24/7.
Southern Belle misses the old Cain't Bee who shared stories about her life, did gardening, girl talk and handled finances and kept up with current affairs. She has asked Dale Evans to let Lotus Blossom take care of Cain't Bee and switch Hepitude to caring for Myrtle. She thinks that Hepitude has a tude about not getting 5 24/7s, only 4. All of her rodent scraps are still overflowing in the garage, while Cain't Bee's stuff is in the cat shed.
Having some issues with physical health and dementia personally, I understand Cain't Bee's frustration and I don't know if she will be capable of extracting the old Cain't Bee from her current funk.
Where oh where has the real Cain't Bee gone.
December 3, 2012
George Mikes: A dog will flatter you but you have to flatter the cat.
Also: You can keep a dog but it is the cat who keeps people, because cats find humans useful domestic animals.
For Smiley's (me) birthday, Southern Belle and the cats took action and procured a "60" card, signed it and delivered it first thing in the morning. Southern Belle had to sign California's name because she would have ruined the card. California opened the envelope and chewed the edges of the card. Not to be outdone, PJ disabled the cursor button and the internet button, causing me a few minutes of grief, however I fixed it. Luckily, I was up early or California would have eaten the card and PJ would have contacted iyogi to fix the computer errrors. PJ left a cryptic cat code greeting on the computer.
Cain't Bee still thinks she is in a hotel, refuses to take off her hospital bracelet that tells the nurse where to stick her, and banished the cats from her room because they might escape.
Staff puts elephant sling on Cain't Bee! Cain't Bee was not happy with the straight jacket and won't participate again. She won't even use a bed pan and is relying totally on huggies to do her business.
On Saturday morning, Cain't Bee said she had only bread for dinner on Friday and that there was no food in the house. Southern Belle did some shopping and Cain't Bee was aware of the actual cost, which is encouraging.
The Indian lady has been labeled Nappy by Cain't Bee and is not allowed in Cain't Bee's room-very rude. Southern Belle had tried to explain that she is not a nigger, but to no avail.
The bank is still in the process of making a policy for quarters, so Southern Belle will be wrapping quarters on Sunday. She will butter up Pied Piper into doing the laundry quarters run, at least for the winter, as he IS on the payroll and Southern Belle does not want to drive in bad weather. Pied Piper has new pictures of his contraptions to feed cats, racoons and skunks simultaneously, with two story tables and many feeding stations.
Cain't Bee called late again last night, complaining, swearing and talking about Nappy. Surprisingly, on Sunday, the staff used the elephant sling to get Cain't Bee out of bed, into the wheelchair and into the living room. Southern Belle will get the staff weight belts to make the move easier.
Myrtle offered to buy a magnifying glass for Southern Belle. Myrlte is getting along well with Nappy.
November 30, 2012
Montaigne: When I play with my cat, how do I know that she is not passing time with me rather than I with her?
Cain't Bee had a horrible night yesterday. Hepitude spends all day with her, got her upset about niggers and she upchucked her dinner. Hepitude is required by Cain't Bee to keep her eyes wide open and trained on Cain't Bee at all times, reminiscent of the scene in Clockwork Orange. The staff puts eye drops in her eyes frequently. She cannot use the cellphone or computer while attending to Cain't Bee. Hepitude talked a mile a minute to Southern Belle, probably because Cain't Bee, who doesn't like her, won't converse with her. Thanks Mrs. Turd. Hepitude is getting royal nursemaid treatment from Mrs. Turd, however Southern Belle and I have a $1 bet-I say Hepitude should have been fired by Dale without interference and that she won't last long, as she is mental and causes Cain't Bee to be agitated. Cain't Bee is now taking tranquilizers. Hepitude is not getting along with Dale Evans, her boss.
Southern Belle lays down the law and demands that the staff give Mickey Mouse Fancy Feast at all times!
Slow Hand called Rob about a ramp for Cain't Bee to get in and out of the house, however a transport service may be a better idea. The elephant sling arrived and inculdes a straight jacket-perfect for Cain't Bee. We doubt that she will allow anyone to manhandle her with the contraption. For now, there will be no TV in Cain't Bee's room as she doesn't want one and Slow Hand has his eyes on spending money to renovate Twin Peaks and rent it for $4000!-what a joke.
Esmeralda is not a nigger, she is Indian and quite competent. Lotus Blossom has been assigned to Myrtle, who is doing well.
The Christmas Wreath from Southern Belle arrived and she had the staff show it to Cain't Bee.
String Bean plans on visiting Cain't Bee soon.
November 29, 2012
You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats-Colonial proverb
Pandemonium strikes upon Cain't Bee's arrival at 5pm yesterday. After many calls and texts during the day, after Cain't Bee arrived home, Southern Belle was peppered with 4 1/2 hours of calls and texts about Hepitude's reprimand, Cain't Bee's medicine left in Pied Piper's trunk, needed prescription refills, wheel chairs, elephant slings, keeping Myrtle and Cain't Bee together in the same bedroom, Cain't Bee's screaming and swearing, the usual calls to Slow Hand, a tired and frustrated Dale Evans and more.
Needless to say, it took two hours for Southern Belle to watch her 28 minute Girly Show and dinner was postponed till midnight. At 3:30 am, the carbon monoxide monitor went ballistic and the reading was 66. We are studying the instructions and might need to move the monitor as far away from the kitchen or furnace, as possible, due to false alarms from sudden bursts of gas devices.
Today, Southern Belle intends to organize Cain't Bee and Myrtle's medications.
Horsey has been waking us up on time so that Southern Belle won't be late to work.
November 28, 2012
Hippolyte Taine: I've studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.
Jack Wright, Guiness record holder for most cats at one time (689): You can visualize 100 cats. Beyond that you can't. Two hundred, five hundred, it all looks the same.
Queen Bee Hepitude postpones trip to Bora Bora, as she narrowly avoids being fired by Dale Evans. Hepitude has been in touch with Slow Hand and Mrs. Turd, high priestess of Aloha and convinced Mrs. Turd that she was being mistreated. Mrs. Turd bought into it. When Dale Evans fired her, Hepitude screamed at her so loud the other staff could hear her. Her current status is that she will only be reprimanded and may even get her 5 24/7s back. All because we don't want too much change ocurring in the household because it affects Cain't Bee, who Mrs. Turd says will die in two months after her lungs fill up with fluid-she said this with no emotion whatsoever. The developments contrast with the fact that Cain't Bee doesn't like Hepitude.
Hepitude will have to find a place to store her 100s of boxes of rodent possessions and stop using Cain't Bee's address for mail. She was told to cease and desist the hiding of the staff air mattress.
Myrtle is doing well and had a nice conversation on the phone with Southern Belle. Apparently she is temporarily off the death wish list of Mrs. Turd.
Cain't Bee will triumphantly return to her house today, on a gurney and vows to make major changes after hearing about the luxury electric blanky for the staff.
Cain't Bee will have the hospital bed moved into the living room and set up her command post. She will insist that a staff member is with her at all times.
November 27, 2012
Fernand Mery, Her Majesty the Cat: With the qualities of cleanliness, discretion, affection, patience, dignity, and courage, how many of us, I ask you, would be capable of becoming cats?
Newsflash from New York: Twenty three workers have been forced to buy Himalayan Snow Gear because the office boss insists that the thermostat is set at 34 degrees. The Grinch also unplugged the lunch room refrigerator because 34 degrees is adequate to chill the employees' lunch. The Grinch was promoted by the owner. Several workers went to the emergency room complaining of frost bite and OSHA was called in, and fined the company. OSHA determined that the thermostat incident was retaliation against employee tardiness. One employee lost three fingers and a toe, due to frost bite and is suing the company. The EEOC said they have never seen anything like this.
Cain't Bee's Wednesday transportation home has been downgraded from a special ambulance to the SamTrans bus for the elderly and disabled, with a big surly black driver. She is pissed and thinks she is traveling all the way from Los Angeles. She blames her doctor, who is also an executive at AT&T. The staff at the SNF is planning a big party right after Cain't Bee leaves as she has put them through typical Cain't Bee Hell. As she leaves, Cain't Bee swears at the staff and says you never fed me you bastards!
Cain't Bee was furious when she heard motor mouth Pied Piper tell her about the staff's luxury electric blanket. She intends to get rid of all staff luxury items in the house, including the mop and the washer dryer and will insist that the staff wear aprons and rubber gloves, scrub the floor on their hands and knees and do the wash by hand. If they complain she will make them stand in a corner until they submit to her demands.
Staff expenses at Cain't Bee's will increase, leaving Slow Hand wondering if he will ever get any real money. It appears that the private jet, new house and renovation of Twin Peaks is on hold for the time being.
Southern Belle is planning a special Thanksgiving event for Cain't Bee next weekend with turkey, a squirming crab, green bean caserole, stuffing, cranberry sauce and punkin pie and cek.
November 26, 2012
Mother Goose: Pussy cat, pussy cat
Where have you been?
I've been to London
To look at the Queen
Pussy cat, pussy cat
What did you there?
I frightened a little Mouse
Under her chair
Southern Belle got me a wonderful early Christmas present against my objections. The catch is that I have to perform some major task for her Christmas present-I have been having nightmares about her imagination issues concerning my task!
In anticipation of Southern Belle's superior midnight imagination about manly gloves to wash dishes in scalding hot water and other bright ideas, I am scurrying around, doing painting, looking for eyesores, spider webs, aberrations and mysterious odors!
November 25, 2012
H. L. Mencken: Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.
Inspector Southern Belle solves the caper of the missing $1000 air mattress. After much sleuthing efforts, Southern Belle discovered that Hepitude has been deflating the air mattress and hiding it so no one else can use it but her. Obviously Hepitude has a tude about not getting her 5 24/7s back and childishly attempted to show others that she was the queen bee. We think she is mental and she has several strikes against her.
Myrtle is doing very well and even walked out on the deck and said she liked the view. She feels in charge now that Cain't Bee has been gone. Southern Belle will take Myrtle shopping today to look for pillows for the staff-more luxury items!
Cain't Bee heard about the luxury bed that Slow Hand bought for the house and was furious. The help should not be given luxury items they are not accustomed to, e.g. because they are darkies.
Pied Piper is a potty mouth, motor mouth weasel. When will Slow Hand make the necessary arrangements to can him? Cain't Bee was doing well and had an excellent visit with Southern Belle recently, but after Pied Piper blabbed abou the staff having an electric blanket, she became immediately upset, of course. PP should be history-Slow Hand had already told him to keep his trap shut about TMI!
November 24, 2012
You can't help that. We're all mad here. - The Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland
No matter how much cats fight, there always seems to be plenty of kittens. - Abraham Lincoln
Hepitude has been negatively affected by too many hours and by Cain't Bee, even when Cain't Bee was in the SNF. Now she has to deal with the elephant swing and things don't look too good. However, Hepitude wants her 5 24/7s back and she may get her wish even though she recently had a meltdown.
November 23, 2012
Mark Twain: By what right has the dog come to be regarded as a "noble" animal? The more brutal and cruel and unjust you are to him the more your favoring and adoring slave become; whereas, if you shamefully misuse a cat once she will always maintain a dignified reserve toward you afterward--you will never get her full confidence again.
Yesterday, Southern Belle spent the afternoon with Cain't Bee in the SNF. Contrary to what Rupert and Pied Piper said, the facility is quite nice, with a private corner room, windows and a nice view. Cain't Bee said she hasn't eaten since she has been there but we know otherwise and she probably had a dead bird for lunch. Anyway she was hungry and demanded a piece of bread, so the nurse fetched her an egg salad sandwich, then Cain't Bee wanted a slice of red onion, but the nurse said this is the way it comes.
Southern Belle shared cat photos and told Cain't Bee they will share Thanksgiving next week with champagne (Dom Perignon!). She also bought Cain't Bee a Christmas Wreath. When the PT lady came by, Cain't Bee refused to participate. Later, she complained about President Obama's win and watched cartoons.
Cain't Bee has no sparkle in her eyes, even though she is just taking tylenol. Perhaps she is weary of the SNF experience and anxious to come home.
Today, Southern Belle will have champagne, cheese and crickers with Her Royal Whoreness.
November 22, 2012
Mark Twain: Of all God's creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat
Recently, Southern Belle bonded with one of the new staff members, Esmeralda.
Cain't Bee gets released from SNF next week!!!
Cain't Bee will require a special elephant swing/wheelchair with chains and two huge Tongans to ensure she stays off her feet. The SNF nurses cheered when they heard the news and went to the staff room for a drink to celebrate Cain't Bee's discharge.
Today, Southern Belle will be at Cain't Bee's house for Thanksgiving Day.
November 21, 2012
Mark Twain: One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
A cat is more intelligent than people believe and can be taught any crime.
November 20, 2012
Mark Twain: You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does--but you let a cat get excited once; you let a cat get to pulling fur with anothercat on a shed, nights, and you'll hear grammar that will give you lockjaw. Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use.
Lotus Blossom is so busted for failing to show up on time to see Cain't Bee and make a big production about the cat photo. She gave conflicting stories to Dale Evans and Southern Belle and didn't even report back to Southern Belle with anything of interest about Cain't Bee or her enjoyment of the photo. We find that Lotus Blossom is a closet gangsta girl.
Pied Piper was all prepared to do his photo show for Myrtle and she slept and snored throughout his visit.
Southern Belle spoke to Cain't Bee for about a half hour yesterday and while she slurs her words due to medication, she was pretty much the same old Cain't Bee. She still thinks that Southern Belle will rescue her and take her home and reminds her of this every day.
Southern Belle continues to stay up very late, thinking about things like re-arranging Cain't Bee's house, quarters, TV, too much energy, etc. She dreamed that Smiley would get huge gloves for washing the dishes in scalding water--and the gloves appeared in the storeroom like magic!
Southern Belle's dream is to have her bedding washed three times a day, however it will be done once a week. Foot told me this is good enough and he approves of the bed, so Southern Belle should approve of the bed and get more sleep like Foot.
November 19, 2012
Mark Twain: A home without a cat--and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat--may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can he prove title?
November 18, 2012
Mark Twain: Some people scorn a cat and think it not an essential; but the Clemens tribe is not one of these.
When a man loves cats, I am his friend and comrade, without further introduction.
Southern Belle prevails at the bank and is now able to deposit bulk quarters after surly remarks, unnecessary rolling and a pile of paperwork. The business banker is polite to Southern Belle.
Southern Belle made a beautiful framed cat photo for Cain't Bee--Lotus Blossom will deliver it to Cain't Bee and visit with her today. Cain't Bee still thinks she is in a hotel and coming home any day now. Myrtle loved the photo and was smiling much more than when she sees Pied Piper's raccoon photos.
Southern Belle has to get up early today, because Pied Piper is salivating for his check/reimbursements for taking care of racoons and building curious feeding station structures.
November 17, 2012
Narayan Liebenson Grady: When we are fully present and able to pay attention in a sustained way to our experience we can begin to see directly, uncolored by our ideas and concepts. Placing our trust more in loving attention and less in analyzing the story can allow space for a new way of holding the question.
Southern Belle said that depositing laundry quarters has become a real hassle. The show must go on.
Cain't Bee thinks she is in a hotel and that Southern Belle will pick her up and take her home next week. She will probably be at the SNF for another month however.
Southern Belle will spend Thanksgiving with Myrtle and the staff at Cain't Bee's house and deliver a cat photo to Cain't Bee at the SNF. On Friday, Southern Belle will have wine, crickers and cheese with Her Royal Whoreness. Southern Belle likes the idea of a case of good cabernet for Christmas.
November 16, 2012
Eckhart Tolle: Give your attention to the present: give attention to your behavior, to your reactions, moods, thoughts, emotions, fears and desires as they occur in the present. There's the past in you. If you can be present enough to watch all those things, not critically or analytically but nonjudgmentally, then you are dealing with the past and dissolving it through the power of your presence. You cannot find yourself by going into the past. You find yourself by coming into the present.
Cain't Bee has been calling the staff at her house hundreds of times, because she wants someone to visit her at the SNF. Finally, Hepcat was approved to visit her for four hours yesterday. Southern Belle hasn't spoken to Cain't Bee for a week, which is almost a record. Cain't Bee needs to stay off her feet for a couple of months.
Yesterday, Cain't Bee had her hair done at the SNF and Southern Belle showed a photo to Slow Hand, who said, embalming?!!!
There are many laundry quarters to count this weekend and the account will have a lotta money.
Southern Belle is thinking about her wish list for Christmas gifts from friends, e.g. a jacket, a humidifier, some bottles of cabernet, a speaker system for the TV, etc.
November 15, 2012
Osho: Meditation is a state of clarity, not a state of mind. Mind is confusion. Mind is never clear.
Slow Hand is buying a private jet to make frequent emergency trips to see how the empire is doing. He is in charge, but it seems that Southern Belle always knows what's up before he does.
November 14, 2012
Lord Byron: I love not man the less, but Nature more.
Cain't Bee choked on creamed spinach and had to go to ICU. She is ok, but demanded to have the nurse who served her, fired. From now on, she will be getting large asparagus.
Cain't Bee is doing PT in the hospital. She scoots her butt on the floor with huggies on and waves her hands like the babies in the huggies commercial. She also does PT in bed by moving one leg.
Her case worker has suggested that Cain't Bee get an electric scooter chair so she can move from the living room couch to the porta potty in front of the front door. Perhaps they can customize the scooter chair with a porta potty under the seat and Cain't Bee could always be on the go AND do her frequent business in the porta potty.
Cain't Bee has to use plastic ware to eat, because she stabbed the staff with a fork several times.
Slow Hand is waiting for someone to die so he can visit here again and manage his empire hands on.
Cain't Bee offered to pay her doctor one million dollars to let her go home. He said he will have to increase her medication.
November 13, 2012
Ram Dass: Remember, we are all affecting the world every moment, whether we mean to or not. Our actions and states of mind matter, because we're so deeply interconnected with one another. Working on our own consciousness is the most important thing that we are doing at any moment, and being love is the supreme creative act.
Cain't Bee has a full time babysitter AND security guard at her SNF private room, to protect herself and others. We don't know if she is being given sedatives, but we know how off the wall she gets.
Slow Hand hired a contractor to repair the fire and water damage to Cain't Bee's house. The contractor found mold, asbestos and lead paint-it will take weeks to renovate the house. The job will be paid for out of the quarters account which has millions.
Krysten Sinema (AZ) becomes first bisexual congresswoman.
November 12, 2012
Sufi Proverb: I searched for God and found only myself. I searched for myself and found only God
1000 Ways To Die Episode: The Burning Bed. One of Cain't Bee's staff was using a hair dryer in bed for heat. In the middle of the night when no creature was stirring, not even a mouse, the hair dryer overheated and caused the bed to become engulfed in flames and made a crispy critter out of the staff member. The fire department was called by a neighbor, since the staff will get fired by Cain't Bee for calling 911 and the firemen used an axe to break down the front door. They tripped on the porta potty and it spilled aberrations everywhere. Due to fire and water damage, the cats had to go to a shelter and Myrtle and the staff are in a hotel.
Donations are welcome to the East Palo Alto Pacific Islander Church.
Yesterday, Southern Belle bought an electric blanky for the stafff, so that no one else dies.
Meanwhile, Myrtle is eating regular food again and is bonding with the new dark-skinned employee who is Indian, not black.
Cain't Bee's surgery was successful and she will spend quite some time at the SNF, which she calls a hotel. For the safety of thers, she has a private room.
Slow Hand's recent big decision is to sell the estate vehicles.
Fred Flintstone is making plenty of money on visits to the house, phone calls and texts, and re-doing Cain't Bee's trust and will. He needs to see what's in the Safety Deposit Box, however only Slow Hand or Cain't Bee can access it. Slow Hand will plan to visit again when someone dies!
November 11, 2012
Carlos Castenada: Think about it: what weakens us is feeling offended by the deeds and misdeeds of our fellow men. Our self-importance requires that we spend most of our lives offended by someone.
Cain't Bee was moved to the SNF today at 1pm. Southern Belle is at Cain't Bee's house, shopping, paying bills and counting quarters.
November 10, 2012
Shantideva: If you can solve your problem, then what is the need of worrying? If you cannot solve it, what is the use of worrying?
Southern Belle stayed up till 6am as usual. Then, we went to Safeway and not only was Safeway a no power Halloween Spook House, but Wells Fargo was closed and couldn't take the quarters, so Southern Belle will have to take them to the grey haired bitch tomorrow.
Next, we collected quarters in the City taking the scenic route to get there and finding no parking in the Haight, we took the scenic route home and had a fabulous brunch in Woodside, at the biker heaven, Alice's Restaurant. I stopped at a very nice store in Woodside to get milk and ice cream, which was not available at the Spook House. The drive from SF to Alice's Restaurant was beautiful.
Cain't Bee's operation was at 6 am yesterday.
Dale Evans sent over a dark-skinned lady to help Myrtle and Myrtle said she's black! She slapped the lady when she tried to touch her. Then Southern Belle explained that the lady is Indian and intelligent and Myrtle yelled intelligent? We shall see how they get along after awhile.
Southern Belle approved a worker for one day and then told Slow Hand. He said I am approving two days! He is so in charge.
Southern Belle spoke to Fred Flintstone about how Slow Hand has spent $80,000 in the last year for visits to Cain't Bee and she thinks that Fred is getting the idea that Slow Hand is a bit greedy, considering Cain't Bee's expenses v income.
November 9, 2012
Dalai Lama: Every day, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others, to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. i am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can.
Cain't Bee thinks she is being punished by God or someone, as she is away from home, disoriented, in pain, anticipating a difficult recovery after surgery and is afraid of dying.
Cain't Bee will be in surgery at 6am today. We hope it is successful. Southern Belle had a good talk with her last night.
November 8, 2012
Latest Update On Cain't Bee: She kicked the security guard in the balls and he had to got to the ER. Cain't Bee will be moved to the hospital today for surgery tomorrow.
Sharon Salzberg: Because compassion is a state of mind that is itself open, abundant and inclusive, it allows us to meet pain more directly. With direct seeing, we know that we are not alone in our suffering and that no one need feel alone when in pain. Seeing our oneness is the beginning of our compassion, and it allows us to reach beyond aversion and separation.
Nadine tells Slow Hand he can't afford her services!
Cain't Bee is throwing food at the security guard and now has to be fed personally, as the staff is afraid she might throw a fork into someone's brain!
Hepcat is cutting back her hours due to a meltdown from too many hours per week.
Myrtle is eating tapioca pudding and well cooked items that are easy for her to swallow. She is still alive!
Southern Belle is waiting to visit Cain't Bee when she is more lucid, perhaps Friday.
Southern Belle's hair was VERY long and she got it cut for the election.
Cain't Bee has been getting cabin fever, so the staff pushes her around in a wheelchair everyday. As they are pushing her, she yells let me out of here, I'm being held hostage!
November 7, 2012
Obama wins!!!
Eckhart Tolle: When you are full of problems, there is no room for anything new to enter, no room for a solution. So whenever you can, make some room, create some space, so that you find the life underneath your life situation.
Slow Hand hires Nadine and beCause Global Consulting to manage his new empire. Nadine loves the phone and is peppering Slow Hand with advice about management and highly relational engagement. She charges $500 per hour for her services!
Currently, Slow Hand's only road to wealth is to sell off a property as Cain't Bee is spending more than she is receiving in monthly income.
Southern Belle spoke to Cain't Bee last night without much success.
November 6, 2012
Go Obama!!! 90% Chance of Winning
Bernie Siegel: Embrace each challenge in your life as an opportunity for self-transformation.
This quote resonates with me, as I have experienced many challenges in my life. What stands out the most is that I have been fortunate to make thousands of mistakes and live in hundreds of place, yet still have evolution in my life. The purpose of life is peace of mind and the never ending quest for a state of bliss and calm. I accept mortality without fear and I believe in a wonderful afterlife for all.
Jesus to St. Faustina: Look into My heart and see there the love and mercy I have for humankind, and especially for sinners. Look, and enter into My passion.
The Mole Man visited Cain't Bee but she is still groggy from medications. The SNF has hired extra employees to deal with Cain't Bee's demands.
Slow Hand has been studying management, e.g. macro and micro management but he keeps coming up with macaroni! I'm in charge. Can you help me out? i forgot. I'm planning a visit, I mean I'll wait for awhile. I'm gonna renovate Twin Peaks and rent it for $4000 per month! I was on the phone with the doctor while Southern Belle was on the phone with the nurse and I TOLD the doctor to increase Cain't Bee's medication. Slow Hand fails to grok texts, losing things and has to rely upon Southern Belle for everything, then pouts when he feels emasculated.
Southern Belle and the cats gave Cain't Bee flowers yesterday and Cain't Bee enjoyed the card from the cats. She has been having spazz attacks and Southern Belle had to explain to the nurses how to handle her personality disorder.
November 5, 2012
Southern Belle: The purpose of life is to stimulate endorphins. I am surrounded by family, friends and cat mortality issues, then my own mortality. I should be doing more with my life in order to meet the standards I have set for myself. I don't use the phrase I am doing the best I can because it makes me feel stuck in the present forever. I should get up earlier, take morning cold showers, eat my fruits and vegetables and be the first person to climb Mount Everest while fasting. Choo Choo Choo Pow! Finally, Southern Belle believes that balance is important and achievable.
Lao Tzu: If you blame someone else, there is no end to the blame.
Last Day Before The Election!!! Vegas Odds-Obama By 85.1%
The Dalai Lama: We can let the circumstances of our lives harden us so that we become increasingly resentful and afraid, or we can let them soften us, and make us kinder. We always have the choice.
Cain't Bee resents being in the nursing home for PO people and she is getting even with the staff by peeing in her bed as often as possible, then screaming and swearing for them to change her bedding. She is also demanding chilled wine and large asparagus (because she says they taste better) and they are only giving her small asparagus. She also demands that her steak is well done, NOT medium well done! The Security Guards assigned to her room only have one hour shifts because she drives them nuts.
November 4, 2012
Latest Update On Cain't Bee: Cain't Bee thinks she is being held hostage in the SNF and called 911. An officer came and told her to shut up and take her sedatives. She still hasn't called Southern Belle, so Southern Belle will probably try to reach her soon. Slow Hand tried to talk to her and she was incoherent.
Buddha: You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.
Southern Belle did non-stop shopping yesterday and will count quarters today during the ladies' tea party.
Myrtle is hanging in there, and Southern Belle followed Slow Hand and Mrs. Turd's advice on food items that she can swallow easily. Pied Piper and his wife visited Myrtle as she was sleeping and snoring in the living room.
Cain't Bee is still in the SNF and hasn't spoken to Southern Belle for a few days-she is probably being sedated for the safety of the staff!
November 3, 2012
Thich Nhat Hanh: To be beautiful means to accept yourself. You don't need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.
Myrtle is doing poorly and Southern Belle has been severely affected by seeing her go downhill. Still, she is probably happier at home than she would be all alone in a SNF.
Slow Hand has been having a hissy fit, because he is in charge of EVERYTHING, yet remains out of the loop much of the time and whines about wanting to be on the same page, which is difficult because of his inability to communicate with all the people who ARE doing everything. He appears to assume that everyone will automatically inform him of everything, while he doesn't make the proper effort to stay informed, thus pouts.
November 2, 2012
Eckhart Tolle: To offer no resistance to life is to be in a state of grace, ease and lightness. This state is then no longer dependent upon things being in a certain way, good or bad.
Cain't Bee checks into SNF and says: Listen lady, I'm a millyonaire with servants and a lotta quarters, I want my wine chilled, NOW! Nurse: Ok, now pee into your bottle please! Cain't Bee: No I won't! The only reason I'm here is that I have the worst broken ankle the hospital ever saw before. I want out of here! Nurse: Now pee in the damn bottle and take your medications! Cain't Bee screaches Patt!!!
Myrtle returns home from the hospital and Hepcat takes care of her. Southern Belle will pay all the monthly bills on Saturday and count quarters with Hepcat.
Pied Piper will visit Sunday and attempt to talk Myrtle into moving back to her house in the City, after showing her the new photos of cats, raccoons and skunks and his Rube Goldberg feeding station creations.
The SNF has assigned a security guard to Cain't Bee's room, because the staff is afraid of her. She is very unhappy to be away from home and is screaming and swearing at everyone she comes into contact with.
Cain't Bee called Southern Belle 88 times at work and is very upset that she has no one to complain to, as Southern Belle's phone was turned off. She is afraid the house will burn down, that everyone is stealing from her house and that the heat is on too high. She is fit to be tied and they had to give her a shot in the butt to calm her down, because she demanded to be released to put Snail Begone in the garden and get rid of the moles. She has arranged for the Mole Man to do her hair while she is in the SNF. For PT, she is moving one arm and one leg, as she is horribly crippled from the fall and the worst cat bite the hospital has ever seen.
November 1, 2012
Mother Teresa: If you judge people, you have no time to love them.
LATEST UPDATE: Now Cain't Bee is in the hospital with a broken ankle requiring surgery. SHE will have to go to SNF for a couple of weeks and Myrtle will be coming home to Cain't Bee's house. We pity the staff at the SNF! It appears that Cain't Bee will need a motorized Scooter Chair.
Cain't Bee and Dr. Pied Piper have been overruled by Myrtle's Case Worker-Myrtle will go to a SNF soon. Dr. Pied Piper may need the cat oxygen machine for himself, as he will be getting a demotion/termination, soon. He is only needed for a while and in the future, he can visit Myrtle on his own dime.
Southern Belle is guarding the precious laundry quarters until they can be counted this weekend. Foot approved the clean blankys on Southern Belle's bed. He is there now. He is guarding Southern Belle's laundry in the fort.
We have to watch out for Tommy Reis trying to escape to NYC to eat rodents.
There has been a breach of HIPPA laws at Cain't Bee's house and Dale Evans has to instruct the staff not to talk to Bananas about anything.
The new $1 bet is that Myrtle will croak on Thanksgiving Day, so that Southern Belle can remember the date.
Southern Belle had a long woman to woman talk with Mrs. Turd last night.
Cain't Bee has ordered a remote control Porta Potty to make it move from the bedroom to the front door whenever she pleases. She is now afraid of the Porta Potty, since she fell in recently and she told the staff if it happens again, they're fired. When she doesn't feel like moving at all, even a few feet to the Porta Potty by the front door, Cain't Bee came up with the genius idea of peeing in a coffee can! Currently, she has diarrhea, so she must go to the Porta Potty often.
October 31, 2012
Rumi: Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along.
NewsFlash: Dr. Pied Piper Buttinsky is arrested for practicing medicine on Myrtle without a license. The terms of his probation are to stay away from Myrtle for five years!
Cain't Bee demands a prosthetic brace for her crippled hand and can only move her legs in weekly PT.
Cain't Bee gets stuck in the Porta Potty in the living room by the front door. She tells Hepcat to call the Fire Department and the fire department knocks her on the floor when they come in through the front door. The jaws of life machine was used to extricate Cain't Bee's butt from the Porta Potty. She now needs a new Porta Potty. The firemen told her not to block the door with the Porta Potty and she told them to get the hell out of my house.
Cain't Bee's ballot was returned for insufficient postage, was mangled, and she blamed Southern Belle. She thinks her vote won't count. She thinks that Southern Belle did this deliberately so that Romney wouldn't win-he needed her vote!
The laundry quarter machine will be arriving soon and the ladies' tea party will now involve counting quarters all day long.
The Mole Man used the wrong conditioner on Cain't Bee's hair and it all fell out-he said it would grow back!
Now that the hurricane is over, Cain't Bee can take all the plywood down from the outside of her house. She said it was a close call.
October 30, 2012
Forrest Gump On Romney: Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you'll get.
Cain't Bee saw Hurricane Sandy on Fox News and hired the Mole Man to board up her house. She might move to the country if she watches too much Fox News.
October 29, 2012
John Wayne: You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends-don't pick your nose with your friends
Dr. Pied Piper has taken over the care of Myrtle and will direct the hospital to release her to his care so she can go home to Cain't Bee's. He has a spare cat oxygen machine at the clinic that he will use to keep her alive. He knows everything about cats and raccoons, so why not people? Cain't Bee is very pleased because she doesn't want Myrtle in a SNF, as she would be disoriented and uncomfortable.
Southern Belle still thinks she will win the Halloween bet that Myrtle will croak. Mrs. Turd is in on the bet also.
Slow Hand talked to Fred Flintstone and found out that he may not get any probate assets from Cain't Bee because of her large monthly bills. Mrs. Turd already picked out a house for them to buy. It looks like they will be washing dogs and cars for quite some time in the future.
I won a fantastic prize from Twitter and Southern Belle won a Target gift card during employee appreciation week.
Southern Belle completed two photo albums with 400 photos of Max's wiener.
Cain't Bee's hand is permanently mangled from the cat bite infection, but she will go to PT next week because they named the program after her.
October 28, 2012
Ram Dass: Across planes of consciousness, we have to live with the paradox that opposite things can be simultaneously true.
Slow Hand approved a quarter rolling machine. He still doesn't know that Fred Flintstone is concerned about Cain't Bee's budget and will suggest that Slow Hand not receive any share of Cain't Bee's probate.
Myrtle is doing better and has been moved from ICU to a regular hospital room. She will probably go to a skilled nursing home soon. Dale, from the agency suggested an employee for the SNF but that is so unnecessary. Cain't Bee has been put in charge of Myrtle by the hospital staff and has spent days visiting Myrtle and yelling and screaming at everybody. Pied Piper has also visited.
Mrs. Turd has already picked out a house but we find they have counted their chickens before they hatched.
Southern Belle bet me a dollar that Myrtle will croak on Halloween and I said no.
October 26, 2012
Thich Nhat Hanh: Don't wait until you have no more suffering before allowing yourself to be happy.
Myrtle is still in ICU, however speaking and eating-time will tell. Southern Belle left work early today because of the breakfast meeting at 6:15 am. She will help Cain't Bee this afternoon.
We will try again to deposit the precious laundry quarters this weekend, while doing shopping. The main bank branch was snippy, rude and wouldn't accept them, citing a policy from one week ago.
October 25, 2012
Pablo Picasso: If only we could pull out our brain and use only our eyes.
Myrtle is still on the ropes, about to croak.
Cain't Bee is worried and spent all day at the hospital yesterday. It's all Pied Piper's fault for not being more pro-active and obsessed with raccoons and contraptions to feed the critters and the cats.
Slow Hand may have to take another emergency leave.
Southern Belle got a T shirt from her friend and is celebrating employee appreciation at work. We watched Charlie Manson last night and it was interesting.
Looks like the Flintstone lawyers will make more money now.
October 24, 2012
The way to do is to be-Lao Tsu
Myrtle is still in the hospital with pneumonia and heart issues. Cain't Bee lied to the hospital and told them to resuscitate Myrtle if necessary. The truth will come out. Mrs. Turd said I told you so!
Southern Belle got scolded again for attempting to stay aware of how her father is doing after his hospital visit.
Hepcat has moved into Cain't Bee's house permanently and all her stuff is in the garage. Occasionally she goes to a friend's house in the trailer park, otherwise she is working 5 and even six 24/7 shifts. She now has an internet connection.
Cain't Bee's flesh eating wound from a cat bite is healing. It's the worst the hospital has ever seen!
I went to the shrink, Debbie Downer yesterday and am glad it's over.
October 22, 2012
Cain't Bee wanted Southern Belle to drive all the way over to her house, just to turn the heat down. Southern Belle is on alert for a POliceman lurking near Cain't Bee's house, just waiting to pull her over again and rep her. Southern Belle told Hepcat how to turn the heat down.
While watching our favorite Leave It To Beaver Show, where Beaver falls into a huge cup of soup on a billboard, Southern Belle, who was tuned up, launched into her life changing disastrous home economics course in junior high, when she made roadkill Sloppy Joes for her family and then modeled a yellow dress at school, that had female aberrations in the rear-everyone laughed and Southern Belle never wore a dress again. Later, she determined that because her pecans spilled, that everything in the cupboards is expiring and needs to be cleaned. She launched into a gleeful cooking lesson about tomato soup and layers and layers of beans, chips and salsa. I said no thanks. I said ham sandwich and she said not in my house!
Cain't Bee's flesh eating infection on her hand, caused by a vicious cat bite when she rolled over on top of a cat, is healing slowly. It's the worst case the ER has ever seen.
Mrs. Turd told Southern Belle that Cain't Bee and Myrtle belong in a nursing home, because they will die within a year anyway. She went on to share about her dead mother and other morbid details of her pathetic life.
We decided that Slow Hand doesn't have a DVR and checked the channels when Southern Belle told him she was watching a taped episode of South Park. Last night the show was about "native" Hawaiians (white people who have lived there awhile) and it made fun of Mahalo Rewards Cards, Safeway Poke (Hawaiian appetizers) and the Hawaiian Sovereignty movement.
Southern Belle has been worrying about the health of her father, Cain't Bee and Myrtle, so after telling her everyone is going to die soon, Mrs. Turd offered to do an Aloha Hawaiian Healing Ceremony for Southern Belle.
In other news, Slow Hand bought a house in Hawaii and will renovate Twin Peaks, if he has any money left. Wells Fargo was snippy and rude and wouldn't accept the laundry quarters from a milyonaire account, so it appears they have to be hand rolled by the thieving employees.
Today was employee appreciation day so Southern Belle got to wear he No Lace Converse sneakers.
October 19, 2012
Quote of the Day From Ghandi: To find oneself we must immerse ourselves in service to others.
Southern Belle skips drunken noon work party to help Cain't Bee.
October 17, 2012
Southern Belle and Cain't Bee are both doing better. Southern Belle will celebrate with real beer and wine tonight, having taken medication for awhile.
Slow Hand is hiring people for the country home. We still need to take care of the cats in the City.
October 14, 2012
Southern Belle and I went to the City to collect laundry quarters and have an excellent lunch in the Haight. We showed off the haul to Cain't Bee and she was pleased. She is looking much better.
Slow Hand, the real estate mogul tried to give Southern Belle money for her service work and she refused and said if he did she would give it back. Typical Southern Belle, but kind of Slow Hand.
Southern Belle gave me a wonderful early birthday and Christmas present and I was blown away. Therefore, we will have house wine on my birthday. It's very difficult to know what Southern Belle wants for Christmas, so I will do my best to help her in any way I can.
Southern Belle's Sleep App is helping her monitor her rest statistics and she is doing well.
Cain't Bee's infection is improving after her hospital visit.
October 10, 2012
Slow Hand and Fred Flintstone convinced Cain't Bee to sign over her share of Max's Estate. Now Slow Hand can begin his plans to create a real estate empire in Hawaii and The Bay Area.
Cain't Bee and Southern Belle have been sick, but they are getting better.
Myrtle is doing better after surgery but still acting strange. Pied Piper is trying to convince her to move back to her old house-a terrible idea!
Southern Belle and Cain't Bee are trying to decide what to do with the cats in the City asap, e.g. bring them to Cain't Bee's house.
The home health service increased the hours during the day, as Cain't Bee and Myrtle are high maintenance clients.
Our cats retaliated against Southern Belle for being sick and changing her routine, by leaving aberrations everywhere. It will be days before the damage is overcome!
October 1, 2012
Slow Hand and Southern Belle are friends again and dealing with the daily drama of Cain't Bee, who has a bad cold and is yelling and screaming at everyone. Dale Evans wanted to increase the staff but Southern Belle and Slow Hand said no. The staff is apparently getting burned out. Myrtle returns today, delivered in a limo ambulance with bells and whistles.
Cain't Bee says she can't walk at all and had the staff move the porta-potty in front of the front door.
She has decided to give half of her share of Max's estate to Slow Hand and will meet with Fred Flintstone soon. We don't know how Slow Hand will react to this, as he has BIG plans.
Hepcat missed the date with Southern Belle at the Salsa Festival and was in a hot tub with two bottles of wine.
We have noticed that along with Cain't Bee's cold, she looks pudgy in the face with dark blotches on her cheeks, is still overweight and of course is not exercising. Her eyes are vacant and it appears that the saving grace is having people to order around 24/7.
September 24, 2012
Slow Hand Has A Meltdown and Cops a Tude Against Southern Belle!
Slow Hand and his wife have been here for a couple of weeks, buying things for Cain't Bee on her dime and attempting in every possible way to get Cain't Bee to sign over her portion of Max's assets in probate. While Cain't Bee is suspicious, it appears that even if she declines to sign over the assets, Fred Flintstone and Slow Hand will do it anyway, as Slow Hand has power of attorney.
Slow Hand has grand plans to buy a property in Hawaii, start an LLPCDROM or something, renovate Twin Peaks without a real plan and paint Masonic. He has become obsessed with the prospect of being a big shot. He is sorely lacking in temperament for business and proposed renting Twin Peaks for $4000 per month, which is ridiculous. He has spent a lot of time with his attorney, his CPA, Cain't Bee's attorney and CPA, the property manager for the family rental properties and fixing a door in Sonoma County. Southern Belle found out that about all Slow Hand and his wife did vacation wise was to go out to dinner for roadkill and Martinis.
Southern Belle had attempted to have a real conversation with Slow Hand, and the next day, Mrs. Slow Hand read her the riot act about backing off from the issue of Cain't Bee signing over assets and gave Southern Belle a childish, patronizing thank you for buying pampers and preparing checks for Cain't Bee and Myrtle. Southern Belle has spent 1000s of hours on her friendship and service work with Cain't Bee. She was Cain't Bee's friend before Mrs. Slow Hand even met her. Myrtle will be home soon.
Current Cain't Bee:
Doesn't want Slow Hand in Sonoma County
Doesn't want to sign over assets
Suspicious of all the things Slow Hand bought for her house.
Very suspicious of his plans to buy property in Hawaii
Doesn't like Mrs. Slow Hand, angry at Slow Hand
Very alert and in angry mode at present
Southern Belle went into psyche reflection mode after the nasty run in with Mrs. Slow Hand. She doesn't want to fail in her efforts to evolve by thinking and saying the wrong things. I, also believe in this effort, that the future is now and that we can rise above our limitations.
September 19, 2012
Cain't Bee's butt bruises were reported to the home health care service. Myrtle will be recovering in the rehab wing of the hospital rather than a nursing home. She has been uncomfortable in a strange environment and will have a rough time for several weeks. Southern Belle will take care of all the bills in her absence.
Cain't Bee has been making progress with PT and "says" she is doing some exercises she learned, at home. There is a big todo about the transfer of assets from Cain't Bee to Slow Hand. It will need to be discussed carefully, as both Cain't Bee and Southern Belle feel that it is unwise to immediately transfer necessary income-producing property to Slow Hand, even though it would avoid some probate taxes to do so.
September 16, 2012
Southern Belle had quite a birthday, highlighted by 100s of texts, checks, a party at Cain't Bee's and champagne in the evening.
Myrtle's hip surgery was a success and she will recuperate in a nursing home for at least 3 months.
Camille came by to check on Ashleigh and the Foot.
September 14, 2012
Yesterday afternoon, Slow Hand, his wife, Southern Belle, Dale Evans and the presumed boss of the agency, Carolina met for about 90 minutes, down the street from Cain't Bee's house. The understatement of the year was mentioned--"Cain't Bee is quite active at night!" She won't take sleeping pills because she is hypervigilant and doesn't want the house to burn down. Dale, the manager spent 20 hours last week supervising the Cain't Bee account. Apparently the employees are on the phone with her constantly. Myrtle was mentioned and she went into surgery at 5pm. Earlier in the day, Hepcat and Cain't Bee visited the hospital so that Cain't Bee could sign the consent paperwork concerning Myrtle.
Southern Belle and Slow Hand's wife agreed that Pied Piper was wrong in not taking Myrtle to the hospital on Sunday. Slow Hand's wife said that Cain't Bee's kitchen looks so nice, she almost cried.
The meeting lasted about 90 minutes and there was mention of increasing staff, although not at this time, particularly since Myrtle will be in a rest home for at least 90 days.
September 13, 2012
Meltdowns!!!
Hepcat took Myrtle to the doctor yesterday and then admitted her to the hospital after xrays showed a fractured hip. Cain't Bee got very upset because she thought that it was Hepcat's fault that Myrtle was in the hospital and that she was in surgery. She has become very close to Hepcat and also felt abandoned because of the late hour and the tired worker that had to stay until Hepcat returned. Hepcat finally got home at about 9:30 pm. Southern Belle had to calm Cain't Bee down over and over and explain to her that everything was alright for the moment.
Southern Belle sent some angry texts to Pied Piper, who had refused to take Myrtle to Urgent Care on Sunday, after she pleaded with him for fifteen minutes. He said he would make an appointment for her cough, on Wednesday. Southern Belle intends to lower his monthly wage. Pied Piper was removed as a finalist for husband of the year in the Bay Area, due to animal cruelty. The ASPCA cited him for feeding expired dog food to the raccoons and skunks. Apparently he isn't St. Francis after all.
The animal cruelty citation will be reported to his vet clinic!
Slow Hand will meet with the owner of the home health care service today for a progress meeting. He is in the middle of turmoil again, with shopping, probate, CPAs, his own doctor appointment and a late night with Cain't Bee.
Southern Belle and Camille have been nursing Ashleigh back to health and Southern Belle is still worried, but encouraged with Ashleigh's progress.
The stress of being old and afraid is quite often overwhelming and one is fortunate to have a friend like Southern Belle. Also the care of cats is 24/7 and very stressful when they aren't well.
September 12, 2012
Slow Hand is in town with his wife for business and vacation. He is so amped up about business affairs that Southern Belle said she pales in comparison. The probate process will put a temporary cash burden on Cain't Bee and Myrtle, but it should be over in a few months.
Cain't Bee is very happy with her PT Trainer and has learned exercises that she can do at home--quite an improvement. Myrtle goes to the doctor today, as she has been having trouble walking.
September 11, 2012
Slow Hand and his wife arrived yesterday for a long awaited vacation. Southern Belle thinks he will take care of business first, then spend some time in the country before returning home. We feel that finding a home for the cats and selling Twin Peaks to be a likely business development. Dale Evans seeks to have a progress report meeting with Slow Hand regarding the care of Cain't Bee and Myrtle.
Myrtle watched Carotta do an excellent job of cleaning the kitchen. Myrtle seems to need a break from Cain't Bee now and then! Myrtle is having trouble walking and will see the doctor soon. Cain't Bee goes to PT today. Lately, her only complaint is that someone stole all her socks!
Southern Belle is fascinated by her new, sophisticated REM Sleep/Alarm App. In January, she will be rewarded handsomely for 35 years of service at work. Camille attended to Ashleigh last night and today Ashleigh is relaxing in the window sill again.
The dude that assaulted Southern Belle, has been banned from Safeway and they have him on camera doing his evil deed.
Pied Piper has been chosen as a finalist for husband of the year in the Bay Area, having served his wife fresh squeezed orange juice and coffee in bed, every morning for thirty three years. In his spare time he is building a $500 table for a cat feeding area separate from the 48 skunks and raccoons, at Twin Peaks. Sunday, he was all concerned that Cain't Bee and Southern Belle were still feuding over the recent 911 call. He is so predictable! Then he showed Myrtle photos of baby skunks and acted worried about her cough, when it is her inability to walk easily, as a result of past injuries, that is the important issue.
In other Pied Piper news, he tried to stir up discontent with the owner of the home health care service by saying Cain't Bee would get mad at her plan to take care of transportation. He is unavailable and a real Chatty Cathy.
September 8, 2012
Chopper Five: Southern Belle attacked and almost repped at Bank ATM. Deranged man mistakes Southern Belle for someone who stole his wallet in the men's room. Southern Belle struggled with all her might, screamed bloody murder, ####, and got her wallet back. The store manager said he would find out what's wrong with the man. Southern Belle was shaking all over and from the inside out. We will have to be very careful to watch out for pervs in the future, as the rodent looked pretty normal.
Later in the day, Southern Belle went to Cain't Bee's and learned that Menono had been fired. Cain't Bee was gleeful, as Menono had been negligent and arrogant. Cain't Bee feels empowered when someone gets fired.
Southern Belle bought Cain't Bee some gourds for Thanksgiving and Cain't Bee actually caressed her face, lovingly, perhaps the first time in twenty years, an excellent gesture.
Hepcat told the new lady, Carlotta to clean the lower cabinets and she did an excellent job.
Cain't Bee wanted a porta-potty in the living room and Southern Belle said no way! Cain't Bee jokingly said, "you asshole!"
September 7, 2012
Cain't Bee is pleased with her new PT program in Belmont. The trainer is young and handsome and told her to stand up. She said she was afraid, so now the trainer knows what he is up against.
September 5, 2012
Fox News Reports that 2/3 of the National Debt of $16 trillion is owed to American Investors and Future Retirees.
Thus the country can go broke if it doesn't meet these obligations. The government has borrowed trillions of dollars from the Social Security Trust Fund and has trillions of dollars of obligations to unfunded government pension obligations.
September 4, 2012
I did a major housecleaning for Camille's visit this afternoon. Sunshine is doing great and Ashleigh has stomatitis and the bill will be large. Charlotte gave treats to the cats.
Cain't Bee went to the psychiatrist today. The psychiatrist was friendly, so of course Cain't Bee didn't trust her! Just a basic drill, with no provoking questions.
September 3, 2012
Today Southern Belle and I had a date at the Cliff House after visiting Twin Peaks and picking up quarters. Then we went to Cain't Bee's and fixed the ruined floors with numerous scratches. Hepcat was very pleased. The 18 piece bathroom set really looks good.
Mr. Wonderful (Hairdresser, Moleman and Mr. Fixit) showed up to do the ladies' hair and fix a table. He also brought mole poison.
September 2, 2012
Southern Belle and I will collect laundry quarters in the City tomorrow and explore the Haight. We will stop by the hardware store to get supplies to fix Cain't Bee's scratched, ruined floor, due to Hepcat.
In preparation for Southern Belle's 24/7 vet, I shampooed the carpet and the house smells great! Tuesday, I will drench the house in Nature's Miracle.
Medono is on Cain't Bee's shit list for being too quiet, not doing anything extra and for nodding out in front of her and Myrtle. Otherwise, things are working out pretty well. Cain't Bee has arranged PT again and we hope that it works for her this time around.
Menono Update:
Cain't Bee and Myrtle don't like Menono's tude.
Menono was careless and Myrtle fell.
Menono tried to say Myrtle was chasing a cat and that's why she fell!!!
The incident was reported to the agency and Menono is now on administrative leave.
August 31, 2012
Southern Belle and I watched Dennis the Menace last night and enjoyed it.
Thank goodness for the new staff at Cain't Bee's house. Southern Belle likens the past employees to Lord of the Flies!
Southern Belle and I have found therapeutic value and joy in providing service to our cats and to Cain't Bee and Myrtle. Many elderly don't have extra support from family and friends, the money it takes to live independently, and end up in a warehouse type residential care home or nursing home. Many people are prevented from having pets in their home and/or don't realize the comradery and loving and psyche of pets.
Cain't Bee and Myrtle have been cat lovers for many years, as has Southern Belle. I have only recently come to know cats well, although I had some experience with them as a kid. While not human, cats find every possible way to communicate and have hilarious habits and relationships with each other and their hosts.
Southern Belle has had the privilege of a friendship with any excellent 24/7 vet who even makes house calls! She has dutifully provided the best of care to many cats spanning twenty years.
August 30, 2012
I first met Cain't Bee in Spring of 2012. She was vibrant, conversed lively with Southern Belle, worked in the garden, handled her finances, had a maid and fixed us lunch.
After her stroke in the fall of 2012, she required PT and 24/7 care. She also was extremely afraid of falling and insisted upon using a porta-potty. Her short term memory failed, her hands trembled and she was bombarded by new faces in her house, from a home health care service and then private employees. Although having the support of doctors, her son Slow Hand and other professionals, she was rebellious and made many poor choices. She fell prey to brainwashing, financial manipulation and rip-offs, fear of walking and inability to handle finances, cooking or gardening. The first lead employee was fired for elder abuse and her referral to a new lead employee caused a Stokholm Syndrome relationship with Cain't Bee and was loaded with personal baggage. Recently, she left a bunch of swear words on Southern Belle's cell phone.
After the death of her brother, many more loose ends developed, as there was no trust. As probate was necessary, Slow Hand found a good law firm, was chosen as "ambassador" to handle the probate process with the lawyers and gained Cain't Bee's trust in what appears to be the first time. Slow Hand has power of attorney over all Cain't Bee's' assets, though Cain't Bee thinks it's all part of the probate process.
Cain't Bee's sister Myrtle moved in at this time after a hospital visit. She had been falling down a lot without anyone to help her. Myrtle and Cain't Bee get along well and Myrtle likes Cain't Bee's house. During this time, Southern Belle, with Cain't Bee's permission, completed the juggling of funds to make sure Cain't Bee would always have enough in her checking account to cover bills such as $7000 per week in home health care services. Myrtle pays her share of the cost. Since this time, Southern Belle has done shopping on Saturdays and finances and ladies' tea party with music and dancing on Sundays.
Recently, the lawyers referred Slow Hand to a new home health service to replace manipulative employees that were being paid under the table. After a frigid beginning things have been going well for a couple of weeks. The employees are supervised, transportation is provided and the meals have been excellent. They even make effort to get Cain't Bee to walk a little each day. Southern Belle is in touch with Cain't Bee every day to stay abreast of new developments and proposed expenses.
Cain't Bee has been following the RNC on Fox News and will vote for Romney/Ryan, although none of us really know what Romney is all about except being a lily white icon and Ryan is the darling of the Tea Party. Both were hit with the ugly stick and the majority of Americans prefer Obama's personality and ability to relate to all Americans. Cain't Bee also likes Animal Planet and Southern Belle has encouraged her to watch movies now and then.
August 29, 2012
It seems like only yesterday that there was complete mayhem and financial manipulation in the Cain't Bee household. Things have improved dramaticly.
Today, Hepcat will take Cain't Bee to PT and another employee will babysit Myrtle, who cannot be left alone. All transportation needs are provided by the new agency.
Southern Belle spoke with Slow Hand yesterday and encouraged him to speak with Cain't Bee about waiting until after probate to spend $10,000 on tree spraying.
Pied Piper, the vet tech, bought dog food for the raccoons with his own money. He thinks he is St. Francis, in Max's memory. If he was allowed to, he would spend $1000 per week on pet food and raccoon food. Garcia, the maid has been told to reduce feeding of the animals but Pied Piper just keeps on coming with more food and more videos of raccoons and skunks.
Cain't Bee is slowly warming up to the new employees and is getting excellent meals. Southern Belle encouraged her to watch Fox News last night after dinner.
The other day, Cain't Bee said Bye Bye to Southern Belle in a loving way--the first time since her stroke.
This is a big deal since Cain't Bee is not known for being compassionate and has had a rough time since her stroke. She is still attempting to overcome her fear of falling while going to the porta-potty or walking.
On Monday, Southern Belle and I will get the rental property laundry quarters for deposit and have a date at the Cliff House. We might spin by Twin Peaks for a minute.
Southern Belle researched a geriatric gym near Cain't Bee and found one covered by Medicare in Belmont.
Slow Hand will meet with the attorneys to discuss the status of Twin Peaks and the rental properties, as in selling one or more properties. The taxes due at the end of probate may reach $300,000. Slow Hand will talk to Pied Piper about why he doesn't want dog food and/or expired dog food fed to the outdoor cats, raccoons and skunks.
